


angel or devil

by honeysugaboy



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band), TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Homophobic Language, Hyunning, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Yeonbin, soogyu, this is gonna hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22290661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeysugaboy/pseuds/honeysugaboy
Summary: yeonjun will protect soobin even if it hurts him.orwhen yeonjun finds out soobin's boyfriend has been abusing him, he takes matters into his own hands.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 239
Kudos: 458





	1. zero - yeonjun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book will contain descriptions of abuse and references to it. it will also contain internalized homophobia. please take care yourselves. i will put a warning before each intense chapter to help keep you guys safe, but i strongly advise another book if these topics are triggering.
> 
> abuse is not romantic in any way, shape or form. this book does not condone these behaviors and you should never accept mistreatment from a partner, even if they "love" you.

"Haven't you done enough?" Taehyun hisses, arms wrapping protectively around Soobin's heaving shoulders. "Haven't you?!"

Yeonjun's expression clearly shows that he doesn't know how to answer that question.

"He's _terrified_ of you!" Taehyun fights to control his tone, fights to mask his own fear. "Can't you see it?"

"I-I... I'm-" Yeonjun can't even form words, stuttering over his words and thoughts.

Soobin flinches from the mere sound of the older man’s voice, choked sobs snaking from his throat.

Yeonjun's hand throbs when his eyes focus on Beomgyu, who is knocked out cold from the solid punch to his temple mere seconds ago. His body had landed on the ground with a sickening thud and time seemed to compress together. The eldest felt his world come to a standstill when he realized that Soobin's fearful expression was directed towards him for the second time ever.

Soobin reacted first, flinging his body directly onto Beomgyu's fallen form and gently patting his cheeks. When it was clear that Beomgyu was unconscious, Soobin transferred his head into his lap and peppered tear stained kisses over his entire face, whimpering like he'd been the one struck.

A moment later Taehyun knelt down beside them and pulled Soobin into a tight, protective embrace. He scolded Yeonjun like he believed that Yeonjun would strike at Soobin next. Kai was the only one who was brave enough to touch Yeonjun, quickly restraining his arms behind his back in a swift movement after he swung. Even now, Kai tightens his grip as if to remind Yeonjun of his imprisonment. The elder, although considerably stronger, doesn't fight the containment. 

"Get him out of here," Taehyun commands, voice wavering, while he squeezes Soobin impossibly closer to him, "Now."

Yeonjun panics, not wanting to leave Soobin alone, "Hyuka, wait-"

"Hyung, _please_!" Kai pleads, voice broken and sounding every bit overwhelmed, " _Please_ , just come."

"Bin-ah," Yeonjun thrashes in Kai's hold now, stumbling backwards when the younger forcefully pulls him in the direction of the door, "Binnie!"

Soobin only cries harder, the nicknames seeming to physically pain him. He starts to gather more of Beomgyu in his lap, murmuring unintelligible things, and pressing his cheek against his lover's. He squeezes his eyes shut to avoid looking at Yeonjun and any anger left in Yeonjun is instantly replaced by the weighted nature of devastation.

"Hyung, stop," Kai begins to cry as well and Yeonjun feels as if the world is slipping from his fingertips.

He goes limp, allowing the younger to guide him away from the sight of the love of his life clutching onto the very man that is destroying him for comfort. He doesn't attempt to catch himself when he is released, dropping to the hard unforgiving ground unceremoniously.

Kai clamps a hand over his own mouth to help swallow down his uneven, gasping breaths, trying to stop the tears streaking down his cheeks. "Why?" The younger chants into the air between them, "Why? Why did you do that? Hyung, why? Why?"

Yeonjun flexes his right hand, bones aching at the points that made contact with Beomgyu's skull. "He hurt him, Kai," he manages to say into the tense atmosphere, deceptively calm despite the war being waged inside of him. "He hit Soobin-ah, he's _been_ hitting Soobin-ah, and I couldn't just- how could I just let him?"

Kai shakes his head instantly, as if he could knock the information out of his ears, erase it from his memory entirely, "Beomgyu hyung would never-"

"But he did!" Yeonjun resists screaming, throat spasming with the effort, "He manipulated him and humiliated him and hit him! He hit him, Kai! He has done it so many times and- and-" Yeonjun is forced to take a breath, his lungs threatening to collapse, "He touched Soobin-ah and I will never fucking forgive him for it!"

"You're lying!" The younger bellows over the confession, hands coming to cup his own ears. "You're lying! Soobin hyung would have told us! He wouldn't have kept something like that a secret," he hiccups, words bubbling out of his throat so quickly that they come out slurred, "He just wouldn't! And Beomgyu hyung loves Soobin hyung! He wouldn't hurt someone he loves! Just shut up-"

"Why would I lie about this?!" Yeonjun demands angrily, fists curling, "Why the hell would I ever lie about something like this?!"

"Because," Kai begins to shout, voice filling the hallway of Beomgyu's apartment building, "Because _you are in love with him, hyung!_ " Yeonjun's heart drops to his toes and stays, stomach flipping, head spinning. His blood runs cold and he can't help but wonder if death would hurt less than those words spoken just now. "Everyone can see it You! You- you," the younger jabs an accusatory finger Yeonjun's direction, "You couldn't stand that he didn't love you back-"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Yeonjun growls, something deep in his chest cracking into millions of bits.

Kai laughs breathlessly, still pointing in his direction, "No, you- you're just jealous. You lost control of your stupid temper," the younger's face heats with his emotion, cheeks flushed, "And y-you hurt Beomgyu hyung! _You're_ the one that should stay away from Soobin hyung!"

"When was the last time Soobin ever told you anything?" It comes out more harsh than Yeonjun intends judging by the way Kai recoils, but it's too late to start apologizing. The older man is too busy trying to recollect pieces of his scattered heart. "Exactly; you don't remember because he doesn't! You don't know shit because he doesn't _want_ you to! You need to start listening to me-"

"Or what?!" The younger is hysterical now, hands wildly flying around as he yells, "You'll hit me too?! Well hyung I can't say I'm surprised!"

Yeonjun pushes himself to his feet, knowing that this argument is pointless. Kai flattens against the nearest wall as a result and Yeonjun feels like the younger has delivered a blow directly to his chest. 

Did the younger truly think that Yeonjun would hurt him? Was their trust that severed?

Although his heart is shattered to pieces, Yeonjun makes sure not to show a reaction, walking towards the staircase. He doesn't want to run away but, if he stays any longer, he might breakdown. 

"If you leave right now," Yeonjun falters at the sound of Taehyun's voice, "he will never forgive you."

Yeonjun stops halfway to his destination. The handle mocks him.

"None of us will."

But how could he stay? 

"What's wrong with you?"

Yeonjun chuckles, the sound tasting bitter and angry in his mouth, "There's no point in telling you. You already hate me."

"You're making it hard for me not to, y'know?" He can practically see Taehyun's lips purse in frustration even though he is still facing the opposite end of the hall, "Why did you do it?"

Yeonjun takes a step forward.

"You're going to regret this."

Another.

"I'm serious, Yeonjun hyung."

He reaches the door.

"Don't even try to talk to me after this. I won't listen."

Yeonjun places his hands on the push bar for the door, eyesight blurred by tears that he refuses to let fall.

"Stay away from all of us."

Yeonjun chuckles again, this time weak and drained, and shoves the door open, "You can't get rid of me so easily, Hyun-ah."

"Then why are you leaving like a coward?" Taehyun breaks into breathless cries that are much quieter than Kai's gasping sobs, but still pierce Yeonjun's conscious all the same. "Why are you walking away?"

"Because," Yeonjun has to clear the thickness in his throat, close his eyes to dispel the moisture as he hoarsely admits, "I don't regret what I did. I would do it for the rest of time if it meant Soobin would be safe, that you guys would be safe."

"Safe from what?" Taehyun sniffles, breath pattern ragged. "Beomgyu hyung has never hurt us."

"That doesn't mean he hasn't hurt anyone else," Yeonjun can't stop the tears from leaking out as he softly speaks, "Tell Soobin-ah that I'm sorry I didn’t notice sooner, that I'm sorry I couldn’t help him even now. I'll always be here for him but I can't- I won't- stand by and watch him suffer anymore. It doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same about me, about us... I will always be here to take care of him," Yeonjun opens his eyes and turns to look at the younger men who have become family to him with a pained smile, "I hope you guys can forgive me."


	2. two years ago - soobin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! i know so many of you have been waiting but i promise that this work will be worth it! i have mapped out the next few chapters and hope to be updating this fic just as frequently as the other two works i have! thank you so much for enjoying this work enough to continue it and i hope you like it as much as i do! let me know your thoughts after you read! thank you for reading <33

** Two Years Ago **

Soobin would rip his hair right out of his scalp right now if he didn't fear the premature balding that runs in his family. "Hyung," he sighs against the door instead, leaning on the doorway of Yeonjun's room, “Hyung, please answer me.”

He catches a glimpse of the microwave clock from the hallway, bright green numbers displaying 1 am, which means it has been a full 12 hours since Yeonjun came home and slammed his door shut. 

Soobin can’t take the silence any longer.

"Go away," Yeonjun whines in typical Yeonjun fashion, loud and passionate, "I'm sad."

He says it so resolutely like it's supposed to be okay.

It's not.

In fact, it’s far from it.

"I made ramen," Soobin announces his peace offering, slowly twisting the doorknob despite the command, "The beef flavor with that chili sauce that you like."

When Soobin fully opens the door, he finds Yeonjun sitting up with his comforter bundled around himself and messy black hair sticking out in every direction. Barely illuminated by the light filtering in from the hallway, Soobin can tell that the older's cheeks are bright pink and wet from fallen tears. Although his red-ringed, glossy eyes lack their usual mirth, his gaze is just as piercing as always, and for that Soobin is grateful.

"I'm not hungry," Yeonjun pouts, raw bitten lips pressing together.

Soobin holds back a groan, “I know you aren’t but, if you don’t eat, you’re gonna get a headache.”

Soobin interprets the older's sniffle as a green light to step into his pitch-black room, kicking the door further open to let in enough light to prevent tripping on his way to the bed. “Can I sit?” he requests, gentle and quiet.

Yeonjun nods, hands revealing themselves from his blanket cocoon to receive his ramen bowl and chopsticks. While Soobin gets comfortable on the bed beside him, the sound of Yeonjun's obnoxious but familiar slurps and chewing fill the room. Soobin lets his feet hang off the bed, propping his head up on one of Yeonjun’s pillows, thigh pressing against Yeonjun’s blanketed one. The older's full bed had always been too small for the two to fit comfortably, but that didn’t stop them from doing so.

Some time passes and Soobin switches between focusing on the crack of light on the ground and the top of Yeonjun’s head poking from the safety of his blankets. He shifts, unable to stay silent for much longer, “...Do you want to talk about it?”

Yeonjun hesitates, eyes dropping to stare at his chopsticks in hand, “What is there to talk about?”

“Maybe start with telling me what happened,” Soobin patiently prods his best friend.

Yeonjun’s head tilts left then goes upright, “... We...”

He didn’t have to finish. They both knew.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yah-” a shaky inhale cuts Yeonjun short, but he powers through, “You didn’t even do anything. Why are you apologizing?”

Soobin pulls on the back of older's blanket cocoon, the material collapsing into a pile on the bed and exposing the small boy underneath. “Because,” Soobin filters through all of his thoughts, choosing the least scary option, “you don’t deserve to feel like this.”

Yeonjun is quiet for a beat, his gaze flitting from Soobin to the bed and back, “I... I just don’t get it... Something’s wrong with me, Soobin,” he shifts to place the bowl on the floor by the foot of his bed, unable to finish the remaining noodles, “Every time I dream or think, it isn’t- it wasn’t- her. It’s never _her_ anymore.” The light from the hallway hits the side of older's face in this position and Soobin feels like his heart could rip into two as he takes in the sight of tears crawling down Yeonjun’s cheeks. “She would send me pictures and texts and every time we were alone she would try, b-but I didn’t- I didn’t like her? I couldn’t even touch her. It felt wrong; I felt wrong- I felt dirty... I've never felt like that before. I've never-” Yeonjun begins to murmur now, arms coiling around his waist and squeezing at his sides, “What did I do to- to have this happen to me?” 

Soobin stays quiet, having learned that Yeonjun heals best when he talks everything out of his system long ago. He allows for Yeonjun to just that as he studies the slope of the older's nose, the fine lines dancing at the corner of his eyes, his ruffled box dye damaged hair, the quiver of his cupid's bow.

“Why can’t I just be _normal_?" Yeonjun's body jerks forward in an effort to force down a cry, "Why can’t I just move on? Why does _he_ still-” this time a cry does come out but it’s mangled and panicked.

Soobin’s body responds before his mind, reaching out to grab a fistful of Yeonjun’s shirt and tugging the boy down onto the bed. Yeonjun rolls to his side, another choked cry bubbling in his chest, and Soobin rushes to meet him, legs tangling in the space between them, their knees knocking. In this position, the tears slide across Yeonjun's nose bridge, down onto his pillow, and Soobin aches to wipe them away. 

So he does.

His hand masks the side of Yeonjun’s face entirely, but he is gentle as his thumb sweeps across the older's undereye, “There’s nothing wrong with-”

“Yes,” Yeonjun whispers as if he doesn’t trust his vocal cords to get any louder, “Yes, there is! _He_ broke me, Binnie! Why did _he_ break me?! Why can’t I fix it?! Why do I feel so empty if it’s not _him_?! If it’s not a guy?!”

Soobin answers honestly, on the brink of tears himself, “I don’t know, Jun.”

“Why can’t I just be normal again?”

The younger is quick to insist, "You _are_ -"

"-I'm _not_!"

Soobin just pulls Yeonjun into his chest at that moment, arm wrapping around the older's waist to close the distance. His other arm cradles his neck, hand resting at the base of Yeonjun’s head where his fingers dance along his scalp there.

And they stay like that. 

Long past Yeonjun’s heart-wrenching gasps for air, whimpers for relief, tears of confusion and disbelief. Long past their chests lifting and dropping in sync, hearts beating eerily alike, eyes growing too heavy to open. Long after Yeonjun has fallen asleep and all Soobin can do to soothe himself is to stare at the sliver of hallway light illuminating Yeonjun’s swollen eyes. Long past the sun rising and Yeonjun waking to only press himself closer to Soobin, whispering small tokens of gratitude into his damp shirt.

The entire time that he lays awake, Soobin tries to convince his heart to let him go, to let him find someone else, to let him love someone who can love him back.

But it doesn’t listen.

Instead, it swells in his chest, filling every cavity and gap within him, pressing into his lungs, threatening to make him burst. It lights a fire within that blazes over every part of his being, burning Yeonjun's name into the very structure of his heart. It shows him how perfectly Yeonjun’s body fits in his arms, how cute Yeonjun’s snores are, how many nights could end like this, how the numb tingling of his body from holding Yeonjun to his chest is bearable, how his own emotions should be the least of his worries.

And it’s so funny how unrequited love can be painful, so very painful, and yet when that same person smiles sleepily at you, teasing you about your bedhead and morning breath, complaining that you’re too hot and simultaneously snuggling further into you, that you suddenly feel invincible, like you could handle this immense pressure for the rest of your life if you had moments like this every once in a while.

And Soobin is okay with that.


	3. one year and ten months ago - yeonjun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the titles of the chapters are how many years ago the event took place. for example, chapter 1 is 'zero' which means it is current, versus chapter 2 being two years' which means the events took place two years ago. make sure you check each chapter because it will help keep everything organized!! please enjoy!!
> 
> tw: internalized homophobia

** One Year and Ten Months Ago**

“Remember this place?” Taehyun asks over the commotion around them.

How could Yeonjun not? It’s the best night club this side of town: always lively, packed with all the eligible bachelors and top notch alcohol. Not to mention since almost all of Yeonjun’s friends were gay, he was fairly used to coming to this club at this point. “Yeah,” he answers, then points at the bar, “Are y’all drinking tonight?”

“Maybe,” Taehyun shrugs while Kai enthusiastically shouts, “Hell yeah!”

The bass is so deep and heavy that the black tile flooring vibrates beneath Yeonjun’s feet. Pink silks adorn the walls on all sides with lights that flash from red to violet in time with the music sandwiched between them. The bar is lined with pink LEDs and a neon sign that announces their famed club name ‘Rainbow Road.' There are matching pink heart stools lining one side of the bar while the other side is a raised platform connected to the dance floor that is already packed with drunk, swaying bodies. It is the place Yeonjun is currently standing, desperately trying not to tip off into the crowd below. He tries to survey the board, but Kai’s ordering a crowd favorite ‘Cherry Killer’ and the bartender is quick to make it.

“Hyung, I promise this’ll have you on your ass faster than somek,” Kai insists, pressing the fruity drink into his open palm rather aggressively before Taehyun yanks him in the direction of the dance floor. 

The two break into a sort of routine, something formed from their many many nights of partying together, Kai creating a protective shield around Taehyun as he vibes out, body rolls and all.

Yeonjun sips at the drink, finding it entirely too sweet for his preference but unable to waste a free drink. 

It has been about two weeks since the break up with Yeji and he is still on his way to recovery, but Soobin asked if he wanted to go out.

Well more like he rummaged through Yeonjun’s closet before tossing him a black turtleneck, distressed jeans and the leather jacket that he always begs to borrow then told him to be dressed by the time he was done styling his hair.

"Are you gonna stay by the bar like that all night?" Beomgyu appears at his side, cheeks sparkling with the same rainbow colors as the club decorations. He always went all out for these occasions, gay or straight clubs alike.

Yeonjun shrugs, feigning disinterest, “I have no reason to dance. I’m not attracted to anyone here.”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

Yeonjun tips his drink back, forcing himself to down half of it as if it would wash away the taste of shame in his mouth, “Are you gonna get a drink?”

“Yeah, I need one,” Beomgyu turns to face the bar, calling, “Can I get four shots of makgeolli, babe?”

The bartender outfitted in a rather revealing lace bodysuit, a tie loose around his neck (for whatever reason Yeonjun does not know), winks, “Coming right up cutie.”

Yeonjun finishes his drink entirely, slamming his glass down on the bar, “Make that eight.”

The bartender’s eyes merely give Yeonjun a once over and he can feel his heart in his throat, “Eight it is.” He turns, and Yeonjun almost chokes at the amount of skin he sees. The one piece ends in a thong, leaving little to the imagination, fishnets doing nothing to cover his ass cheeks clearly on display. When he turns back towards them, Yeonjun is grateful for the lowlights, knowing his cheeks are on fire. He places down eight shot glasses before them then pours in a single line, “Drink up boys.”

Beomgyu slides the bartender a crisp bill with a smirk, “Will do. Keep the change.”

Yeonjun can’t manage to be as smooth, fingers shaking as he pulls out his own cash and pays for his share as well. He mentally scolds himself, frustrated at the fact that some random guy’s ass can fluster him so easily. Beomgyu picks up one shot glass, clinking it with the one Yeonjun holds before tossing it back. "Cheers,” he quickly picks up his second glass, also pushing Beomgyu’s into his free hand. It isn’t until he’s downed his third shot in a row that the knot in Yeonjun’s stomach loosens the slightest bit. 

“Where’s Binie?” Yeonjun asks over the music that seems to have grown in volume since they started drinking. 

Beomgyu shrugs, but his lips pull into a tight line, “Dancing with some guy last I saw him,” he squints out to the dance floor, trying to find his friend, “They were all over each other.”

For some reason, the news makes Yeonjun uncomfortable, more uncomfortable than he was to begin with. “Oh,” he says, nothing else making much sense at this point anyways. 

“Here, you can have this,” Beomgyu slides his fourth shot over to Yeonjun who just nods, “Don’t stay up here all night; live a little.”

Beomgyu then leaves the bar, diving right into place with Kai and Taehyun who welcome him with open arms.

Yeonjun finds his eyes looking over the dance floor and he convinces himself that it’s just to survey the scene, that if he spots Soobin it’s purely coincidental. And he does.

He dressed up for the occasion; a simple navy shirt with white stripes, unbuttoned to his collarbones which are coated in a layer of the same glitter Beomgyu sports on his cheeks (“Trust me, glitter drives men crazy,” Taehyun promised as he swiped the brush over Soobin’s collarbones. “Right, Yeonjun hyung?”), and those insanely tight skinny jeans from hell that he bought one day shopping with Beomgyu. In front of him, dancing an awkward distance away, is a male just a bit taller than him, wearing a flowy black top and bright white slacks that look far too nice for him to be a college student. They’re somewhat talking, Soobin leaning forwards to hear him better over the noise and the man’s hands are inching towards Soobin’s waist-

The sight has Yeonjun picking up his two remaining shots and braving his way through the crowd directly to him. “Binie,” he calls when he’s within shouting distance and Soobin whips around, scanning until his eyes land on Yeonjun. He smiles, a small thing that makes Yeonjun feel even more drunk than he already is, and excuses himself from the male who looks thoroughly disappointed. Yeonjun closes their distance, saying over the music and conversations around them, “I got you some shots.”

“Thanks Junie,” Soobin continues to sway as he accepts one of the shots and Yeonjun can’t look away as he throws his head back, throat on display, Adam's apple bobbing when he swallows. “Where’s everyone?” he asks, face scrunched out of distaste.

“Uh... Dancing,” Yeonjun almost starts to cough, aware of how dry his throat is now, “Here’s another.”

Soobin accepts it, tossing the shot back easily and this close up Yeonjun notes that Beomgyu did a good job with Soobin’s eye makeup. It was an afterthought, something he’d done in line while they were waiting to get into the club after Soobin complimented him. Yeonjun had been in charge of holding the delicate eyeshow palette and, despite the poor lighting, Beomgyu finished by the time they made it to the front of the line. The black has a tinge of red that brings out the lipstain he’d applied before they left the house and Yeonjun is starting to understand why so many men flocked to Soobin’s feet. “Are you having fun?” Soobin grabs Yeonjun’s wrist, guiding him to one of the standing tables on the outskirts of the dance floor where it’s not as condensed. The skin feels like it blisters under his hand, the touch so minimal and yet so intimate that it has Yeonjun’s brain malfunctioning.

“Yeah,” he answers too quickly and Soobin frowns, interpreting the statement as a lie rather than an involuntary reflex.

“You usually love this place. Don’t let him take it from you, hyung.”

“... I’m not. I just don’t see anyone here worth my time.” 

It’s a filthy lie that has Yeonjun throwing back the drained glasses in hopes for a drop of something to soothe his dry mouth. He places down the empty shot glasses when they reach the table, taking the moment to catch his breath, eyes failing to do a sweep of the club, orbiting around his best friend instead. Soobin’s low tolerance peeks through in the form of rosy cheeks, dark eyes and impossibly long lashes, “Dance with me then. Don’t you like this song?”

Yeonjun faintly registers the bass on a song he likes to play around the house whenever he’s in a dancing mood. He also hears somebody talking, “You were dancing with someone else.” An afterthought realizes that it was him.

“So? I like you more than anybody here. Besides I came here with you. I want to dance with you,” Soobin says, causing the warmth pooling in Yeonjun's stomach to seep into every part of him, head to toe drunk on the feeling of, of, of... what? “C’mon,” he purrs and how could Yeonjun deny him?

Soobin’s fingers intertwine with Yeonjun’s, tugging him back into the bouncing crowd and another song switches on, the pulsing lights flickering to red. It’s a playful slow wind track, the entire club roaring in excitement at the change of pace. At first, it’s all innocent, small smiles, light touches, but, as the atmosphere shifts around them and bodies suddenly press closer, Yeonjun finds himself turning in Soobin’s arms. His right arm wraps over Yeonjun’s waist to pull him in, and Yeonjun feels his heart pounding as his hips line up to Soobin’s, setting the pace.

The grind is slow, and dirty, and definitely not something best friends do.

But they don’t stop.

Soobin’s breath tickles the back of Yeonjun’s neck, sending hot shivers down his spine, and Yeonjun gasps. He lets his head tip back lazily, resting on Soobin’s broad shoulder and the alcohol makes all of his confidence gather at his core so he keeps his eyes open, finding Soobin’s gaze and holding the contact. Soobin’s hips stutter and his breath catches as his left hand lands on the other half of his waist. He gives him a warning of a squeeze, lighting a fire in Yeonjun’s belly that licks up his sides, “You’re too good at this,” his voice is husky and he smells like cinnamon and apples and makgeolli.

Yeonjun chuckles breathlessly, starting to dip his hips to further down as they roll side to side, increasing their contact. His eyes are searching, for what he’s not sure, but they find it at the curve of Soobin’s lips, “You’re not too bad yourself.”

Even when the song changes and the lights flash to yellow, they’re still grinding, chasing after the friction, the stares, their rough touches. Soobin's cheeks fully flush from the liquor and movement, his breaths turning into small pants, and he's whispering something hot and desperate into the air. Yeonjun tucks his head into the crook of Soobin’s neck, the skin sweaty and warm, and inhales to take in even more of his scent. The temptation to leave marks there is so overwhelming that Yeonjun feels like he’s trembling with the effort not to.

This is definitely not something a straight guy would do.

The thought makes Yeonjun sick.

He suddenly tears away from Soobin, body ripping out of Soobin’s grasp aggressively, as his hand comes to his face, pressing his mouth shut. He desperately swallows the bile that rises, the acid burning his throat. “Hyung?” Soobin’s voice sounds far off and Yeonjun doesn’t realize he’s been stumbling away until he looks up and sees he’s in the bathroom.

He doesn’t hesitate to push inside a stall, quivering hands struggling to lock the door for long enough that tears start to fall. He presses his forehead to the cool metal of the door, breathes deep and slow, and prays that the feeling will go away. 

But it doesn’t.

It sits there, tortuously skewing his thoughts and muddling his brain until it forces a rotten confession from his lips into the air for anyone to hear, “I’m gay.”

In the disgusting bathroom stall of a gay night club with the love of his life outside, abadoned on the dance floor, Yeonjun comes out for the first time.

It’s ugly, and shameful, and wrong, so so wrong. The weight of his homosexuality is heavy, a cannon ball in his stomach, and he knows that he can’t run away from it anymore.

That doesn’t stop him from trying.

He steps out of the stall, not daring to take in his reflection, and walks out of the bathroom. Unexpectedly, his friends are there: Taehyun texting, Kai scanning the crowd intently, Beomgyu watching the bar, and Soobin frantic and near tears babbling to them. But none of them spot Yeonjun, all too immersed in trying to calm Soobin down enough for him to speak properly, when suddenly Beomgyu’s hand is brushing his cheek, cupping his face. Yeonjun’s breath hitches as Beomgyu guides their foreheads together; he’s saying something, lips moving so fast that Yeonjun can't even attempt to read, and Soobin’s chest is still heaving until-

He stops. He melts in Beomgyu’s hold and Yeonjun’s mind goes blank.

He isn’t sure how he gets home that night, but he makes sure to lock his bedroom door when he does, tossing his phone somewhere in the darkness of the room and collapsing on the bed to cry in pathetic sobs. In between each wave of tears, self hatred festers into his psyche and he claws at his sheets desperately, wishing he knew how to stop it. But it settles, refusing to be uprooted, and Yeonjun grows too tired to fight it. 

It’s the reason why when Soobin comes home, Yeonjun forces himself to listen to the hushed, lovesick whispers of Beomgyu filling the apartment. And he listens as they exchange their most intimate thoughts, intermixed with sounds of the couch creaking and pleasured moans leaking under the door crack.

And Yeonjun posions himself with it, taunts his homosexuality with the exposure but never the experince, telling himself that this is what happens when he lets the truth come to light.

The next morning, he leaves his bedroom to find Soobin on the couch, neck littered in poorly covered hickies, cradling a cup of something, another mug just beside him. “I made you some hangover juice,” he smiles small, eyes searching for answers Yeonjun will never tell. His lips are puffy, kiss swollen, and his make up is still smudged at the corners of his eyes and Yeonjun imagines Beomgyu causing it all.

“Thanks,” Yeonjun replies, a manufactured smile on his lips, and picks up the mug, lowering onto the couch beside him. “So you and Gyu, hm?”

Soobin slightly flinches at the mention as if surprised, but then there’s a nod, and his smile grows in a way that makes Yeonjun’s heart crumble into dust, “Yeah... I guess so.”


	4. one year and eight months ago - yeonjun

**One Year and Eight Months Ago**

“You’re cooking?” 

Yeonjun looks up from his pot of boiling water in surprise, “I thought you had class until 5.”

“It got cancelled; something about making up for exam day,” Soobin answers, locking the front door and slinging his backpack onto a hook on the wall beside it. “What’re you making?”

Yeonjun glances back down to his phone for the recipe name, “Mom’s Homemade Bolognese,” he gets a bit defensive at the expression Soobin pulls, “I wanted to try something new!”

“I didn’t say anything,” the younger teases, a slight smile tugging at one side of his lips. It’s infuriating and attractive. “What’s it called again?”

Yeonjun pouts, scowling into his pasta water, “You think it’s gonna be bad.” It’s a statement, not a question. “You don’t have to eat-”

“Junie, whatever you make I’ll eat. Even if it’s only because you made it,” Soobin reassures him, slipping out of his shoes and stepping into the kitchen to join his side, “Do you need help?”

Yeonjun wishes he could tell the younger not to say things like that. Instead he responds, “I can figure it out on my own,” as his pout intensifies, using his stirring spoon to poke Soobin’s stomach.

Soobin laughs, the noise high and squeaky in Yeonjun’s ear, his self proclaimed favorite sound, and gently pushes the spoon downward, “Let me help.”

Yeonjun is reluctant at first and makes Soobin apologize twice before showing him the steps to cook the meal, “It all goes in one pot so it should be really easy.”

The younger male nods, little scrunch forming between his brow as it always does when he’s reading, “Want me to start cutting up the onions?”

Yeonjun snorts, passing off his wooden spoon to Soobin, “How about you make sure the pasta doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pan? I’ll take care of the rest.” 

They work in their usual chaos afterwards: Yeonjun saying stupid things, Soobin mocking him and laughing his ass off, Yeonjun trying to sneak attack affectionate kisses and hugs, Soobin running away from him and almost hurting himself. But this time when Soobin stubs his toe on the corner of a cabinet in his rush to avoid getting a forehead kiss, Yeonjun finds himself freezing. His sauce ladle hits the floor in a messy splatter when the sudden halting makes him lose his grip. “Ah, fuck, hyungggg,” Soobin whines, face pinched in pain and now frustration, “Now I’ll have to wash the stupid rug!”

Yeonjun doesn’t even care, “Are you okay?”

Soobin flails his hand that isn’t clutching his foot, “Does it look like I’m okay?!”

Yeonjun knows they’re just messing around, knows Soobin isn’t really that bothered by the rug, knows that he overhypes his injuries all the time just to make the older feel bad. Yet he can’t help asking, “Bin-ah, are you hurt?”

The nickname makes Soobin’s entire body go lax, “No, no, hyung, I’m fine. I just hit my toe and it stings a little,” he releases his foot, quickly placing it back down.

_Great_. Not only did Yeonjun manage to kill the mood but now he’s lost any confidence he’d held before about tonight's confession. He looks everywhere except Soobin, crouching down to pick up the fallen ladle, “Sorry about the-”

“I was just kidding; it’s okay. It needed to be washed anyways,” Soobin makes quick work of picking up the rug and tossing it into the washer with some detergent. “You can finish the pasta while I clean up.”

Why did Yeonjun have to make it weird? Everything was normal, it was fine, they were playing around like always. What was so different?

_It's because you're gay._

_And it's weird to do stuff like that when you're gay._

The air in the kitchen feels charged as Yeonjun adds the finishing touches to their meal while Soobin scrubs the floor and washes the dishes. “How much do you want?” Yeonjun asks quietly, grabbing two bowls from their sparse cabinets when Soobin is finished cleaning.

“Same as yours.”

Despite the request, Yeonjun only fills his bowl halfway, knowing Soobin’s eyes are always bigger than his stomach. They move to eat in the living room, sitting a bit further apart on the couch than usual, putting Yeonjun even more on edge. Soobin flicks on the TV and scrolls through Netflix, picking a random anime that neither really cares about just to have something on in the background. Yeonjun tries to avert his attention to actually watch the first two episodes, but he gives up halfway through, instead watching Soobin who pulled his legs up onto the couch to use his knees as a table for his bowl. His cheeks are comically stuffed ( _h_ _a_ , Yeonjun knew he chose a good recipe), dark doe eyes gleaming at the screen, hair scruffed awkwardly at one side from their roughhousing earlier, yet somehow still managing to look cute. Yeonjun's gaze somehow winds up on the younger’s defined cupid bow, his lips shiny from his constant habit of licking them after every bite.

It’s not something a best friend would notice at all.

Yeonjun blows out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, briefly double checking that the credits are playing, “Binie.”

Soobin perks instantly, but his eyes don’t pull from the animated characters fighting across the screen, “Hm?”

“I think-” The words lodge in his throat.

Soobin just hums again, still focused on the screen, “Mhm?”

Yeonjun tries to talk past the block, mouth moving without sound for the first few words, “-Gay.”

Soobin starts at the word, face twisting in confusion or offense or something that Yeonjun doesn’t get to put his finger on because his own gaze is pinned on the extremely interesting dent on their coffee table, “What?”

Yeonjun attempts a different approach. “How did you- When did you- What did you-” 

None of them sound right.

None of them sound normal.

Because it _isn’t_ normal.

“Hyung, what are you talking about?” Soobin reaches for the remote, lowering the volume of the already low theme song playing from the TV speakers.

Yeonjun doesn’t know. He really doesn't. “Why are you gay?” the question is all wrong, but it’s the only one that he can fully say. It sounds accusatory, and angry, and downright disgusted. Yeonjun scrambles to clarify but the damage is done, “Wh-what made you think- What made you-”

Soobin repeats the phrase, each word stressed with furrowed brows and an unimpressed pursing his lips, “Why am I gay?” Mortified, Yeonjun decides the best course of action is to stay quiet. Beside him, Soobin leans closer, “Are you serious?”

Yeonjun decides to make a list of all the little scratches across the surface of the table, forcing himself to take a breath each time he spots a new one. _One,_ he counts, a shaky inhale filling the space between them. Soobin seems to torture him by awaiting his response and Yeonjun gives it one last shot, “When did you know you were gay?”

_twothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten-_

It isn’t until Soobin’s hand catches his bowl, cursing as pasta sauce hits the leather couch cushion that Yeonjun realizes that he’s exhaling more than he’s actually inhaling, quick and painful breaths. _How fucking_ “Pathetic,” Yeonjun gasps out, hands tangling in his hair, pulling his head down, down, down to the cool leather between his knees. It provides no relief.

Soobin doesn’t comment if he agrees, just places their bowls onto the coffee table and pushes it further aside to make room on the floor. He kneels in front of Yeonjun and makes everything so much worse; his face is laced with concern, pretty doe eyes raking all over Yeonjun’s hunched form, large hands resting on either of his thighs as he says, “Hyung, hyung, I need you to calm down.”

Yeonjun wants to growl that Soobin is an idiot for saying that because the confession threatening to tear through him doesn’t have the fucking time to calm down. “I think- I think I’m-” the word won’t come out and it’s so unbelievably frustrating that Yeonjun could scream.

“Sh, shh, just breathe. You’re not breathing, c’mon. In,” the younger stops him from attempting to speak again, and Yeonjun whimpers as his own chest fights to collapse in, “Eyes on me, look at me; there you go.” Soobin prys a hand from Yeonjun’s head to place onto his chest, pressing the fingers flat, “In... Out.” Beneath his palm, he can feel Soobin’s heartbeat, harsh and sputtering, feels his chest lift and drop. ”In... Out... In- don’t look away... Out... You’re doing good.” Yeonjun is scared at how satisfied the praise makes him feel. He continues to breathe with Soobin, deep and slow and shaky. “In... Out...” He’s not sure how long the breathing lasts, how long he’s staring into Soobin’s eyes, how long until Soobin’s heart doesn’t feel like it’s trying to break free. “Do you want some water? I’ll go get some.”

Yeonjun shakes his head, but Soobin’s already releasing his hand, already pushing up from his kneeling position to walk to the kitchen. He returns moments later, cup in one hand, dish rag in the other, “Scoot over, hyung.” Yeonjun obeys the command, accepting the cup when Soobin is close enough, and watches him clean off the couch cushion. 

He says into his cup because it’s easier than saying it into the open room, “I’m gay.”

Soobin’s hand stops mid-wipe.

Yeonjun forces down a sip.

Soobin doesn’t look at him.

Yeonjun can’t stomach the silence so he rushes to answer questions that neither asks, “I... I mean, I don’t know for sure. I just- I think y’know-”

“Is this because of Jaesuk?”

The name feels like a deep slash on his heart, like an uppercut that blindsides Yeonjun and renders him speechless. He hadn’t heard the name out loud since the man himself had been around. Memories of camera flashes, hungry hands, flirty gazes and weak knees play in stop motion, all punctuated with their parting moments, the cackles, the embarrassment, the stupidity of Yeonjun for even considering such a far fetched prospect. 

Soobin starts to wipe the cushion again despite it being clean, “You don’t have to explain it to me if it is,” his tone is soft and caring, but he won’t _look_ at Yeonjun and it makes the sinking feeling in his gut intensify. “I love you no matter who you decide to date, Junie.”

But Yeonjun isn’t relieved. In fact he’s so far from it. He feels like he’s back in the cramped stall at Rainbow Road, the confession just making him feel dirty, disgusting, and wrong; so fucking wrong. Because Soobin is right: it’s all because of Jaesuk. No matter how far Yeonjun thinks he gets, how much time passes, how much he tries to pretend nothing happened, he’s right there in Jaesuk’s hold.

“Do you wanna finish this episode?”

Yeonjun’s brain is full of static; he struggles to work around it, “I think I’ll just go to bed... Night, Bin.” It takes less than a minute for him to dump his remaining food into the trash, put his dishes in the sink and rush into his room. He doesn’t bother to turn on the lights, diving into his bed only to end up staring at the ceiling wondering when everything went to shit.


	5. one year and six months ago - soobin

**One Year and Six Months Ago**

Soobin brushes his hair out of his eye, officially thinking that he needs to get a haircut, “I don’t know. What about ramen and samgak kimbap?”

“I had ramen yesterday,” Yeonjun pouts from his place in bed, pillows squished against the wall behind him, “What if we get two hot bars and samgak kimbap?”

It feels weird to see him from this angle. Usually, they would be shoulder to shoulder, sharing a blanket stolen from the living room and working as Soobin’s playlist drones on in the background. 

Yeonjun’s bed is their workplace of choice since they couldn’t afford to buy any tables or chairs that didn’t already come with their apartment. The living room couch, their other primary option, is comfortable, but with a TV that close, the night always ends with them binge watching anime or YouTube cooking channels until 3 am without any work being done. So Yeonjun’s bed it is.

Tonight, however, Beomgyu had turned up unannounced, and although they’d studied side by side around the younger man before, something about their dynamic had shifted. It didn’t feel right to be so close anymore; at least not in front of the man in question.

“Okay, but I’m getting ramen anyways,” Soobin agrees then glances at Beomgyu who’s on his stomach, feet in the air, looking incredibly bored, “Do you want anything Gyu?”

“You,” he answers with a wink and Soobin suppresses the knee jerk reaction to look at Yeonjun’s expression, “When are you gonna be done reading about rocks?”

He chuckles, the sound a bit forced, then slowly lets his eyes drift to see Yeonjun’s mouth set in a tight line, dark eyes already on his, “I dunno, I have a lot of classwork to catch up on. We can walk you home when we go to 7/11 if you-”

“No, I wanna stay,” Beomgyu cuts him off as he maneuvers into a sitting position, arms coming to link around his knees, chin resting on top of them, “I have more fun when I’m around you.”

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, just angles his head to read whatever is on his computer, cat-like eyes leaving Soobin confused and alone. Soobin blanks, unable to think of what to say in response. He settles for a smile, albeit a small one. The younger man seems satisfied so Soobin ducks down to continue reading his book.

Ever since their hook up six months prior, Beomgyu has become more of a constant in Soobin’s life. He comes over every few days, typically with some lame excuse of being nearby and proceeds to stay the night on weekends.

The first night he came he’d insisted on using Soobin’s clothes as sleep wear since he ‘forgot’ to bring his own and asked to sleep in Soobin’s bed. Both of the requests were odd, but Soobin brushed it off, thinking of it as a bonding time with his dongsaeng. The next morning Soobin felt a steady pressure against his lips, the slow and patient guidance pushing his lips apart, a tease of tongue along his lower lip as he began to mirror the movements. His eyelids were still heavy and he didn’t understand why Yeonjun’s lips didn’t feel more textured and chapped because he knows the older loses every damn lip balm he gives him- 

His brain came to a frightening realization: it wasn’t Yeonjun at all. His heart felt like it skipped forward a few beats as his eyes opened to take in Beomgyu’s mischievous gaze. 

“Good morning handsome,” Beomgyu whispered, all grins and giggles.

And Soobin had felt so guilty for even dreaming about Yeonjun, his roommate, his best friend, in that way- in _any_ way- that he made out with Beomgyu for the rest of their lazy morning, letting the younger man’s hands tangle in his hair and skim beneath his shirt. The first morning lead to the following mornings and sometimes the evenings when Beomgyu would come over after classes, stressed or angry, and a make out quickly escalated to an impromptu hook up, spurred on by Beomgyu’s soft, sweet words and small sneaky hands.

At the same time that hookups and quickies with Beomgyu became increasingly more common, Yeonjun seemed to have fully recovered from his stint with Yeji and _him_. He didn’t come home and crawl into bed after a hard day as often and he started talking to other people again, even showing Soobin Instagram profiles of a few girls that he had been messaging. He’d stopped coming to Soobin for comfort about whatever _he_ had done and Soobin was ~~empty~~ happy. He had more free time, more space, more... Well, his own heart didn’t feel like it was falling apart as often anymore and he could keep being a good best friend in the meantime.

Yeonjun clears his throat and Soobin looks up from his book to see him shifting his laptop off his lap, “You ready to go to the store?”

“Uh, yeah. Lemme just,” Soobin dog ears his page, closing the book and placing it on the floor beside him. Beomgyu rises to his feet at the same time Soobin does, and Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, but Soobin can see the way that he clenches his jaw, “Gyu, you can stay. We’ll only be gone for-”

“Nah, I wanna get an ICEE,” the younger slips past the doorway, effectively ending the conversation.

Soobi avoids Yeonjun’s gaze as he passes the doorway after the younger, slipping on his shoes at the front door and tugging it open for them all to exit. They walk side by side on the sidewalk with significantly less banter than usual. It could be due to the fact that they are all tired from a day of classes and homework (unlikely). Or it may be because Beomgyu interlaces his fingers with Soobin’s, swinging their hands back and forth between them (extremely likely). 

“I’ll get the hot bars and samgak kimbap,” Yeonjun says when they enter the doors of 7/11, eyes trained everywhere but on his friends.

Soobin starts to reply, “Okay, I’ll get ramen-” but Yeonjun’s already turning down an aisle to his right.

Beomgyu doesn’t leave him much time to react, just tugs Soobin forward to the ramen aisle, “I want the spicy black noodle one, help me find it?”

Soobin decides to process the sting of being ignored by Yeonjun later and nods, inspecting the shelves for the ramen in question. They shop quietly after that, grabbing a few chips, and a drink each, Soobin picking up a melon soda as well (Yeonjun’s favorite drink to have with hot bars). They start to approach the counter when Beomgyu suddenly stops, hand snagging Soobin back to the opening of the aisle.

The older nearly drops the items in hand, hissing, “What the fu-”

“Soobin hyung,” Beomgyu says, and Soobin turns to him, exasperated.

“Beomgyu, I almost dropped-”

“I like you.”

Soobin’s irritation dissipates instantly, “What?”

“I like you.”

The words register without much processing. “Oh,” Soobin breathes.

The aisle seems too cramped for this conversation, for the way Beomgyu is looking at him, how his hand tightens around Soobin’s fingers. “Oh?” the younger echoes and Soobin can only blink.

Soobin isn’t sure what to call the emotion he’s feeling right now. The admission doesn't make his heart speed up the way it does when Yeonjun is laughing particularly hard at something one of their friends did. Nor does it cause his heart to slow down the way it does when Yeonjun randomly breaks into a b-boy dance in public and Soobin gets lost in his own little world. It just beats. 

His thoughts, however, cloud over entirely. 

“And I want to ask you on a date,” Beomgyu continues when he realizes that Soobin has nothing further to add, thumb sliding over the back of Soobin’s hand affectionately.

Soobin tries to think logically, deciding to identify every possible interaction that could have led to this. 

Was it the night at the club all those months ago? Yeonjun had run away without telling anyone and Soobin had nearly had a meltdown, the alcohol doing nothing to soothe his distressed state and Beomgyu was like an anchor. He talked Soobin down, told him that he’s worrying for nothing, that he looked too pretty to be crying, that he could take care of him, that he deserved to be loved. So Soobin let him.

Or what about the day that Beomgyu came to visit Soobin at his cafe job? It had been an abnormally slow day at the little coffee shop in the school library, and Soobin put in the group chat that whoever came to see him first would get a free drink. Beomgyu was there within minutes, dressed as fashionable as always, demanding a peppermint mocha. Soobin became acutely aware of how cute Beomgyu’s smile was that day.

Or maybe the night that Beomgyu had failed his physics midterm and came to Soobin, begging for a distraction? He’d nearly broken the door down with his insistent pounding and Soobin had run out of his room to open it before the younger woke Yeonjun. They stood in the hallway for a total of five minutes with Soobin trying to convince Beomgyu to just get some rest (it was 1 am for Christ's sake) while Beomgyu was busy planting needy kisses up his neck and on his lips. Soobin gave in just to hear Beomgyu’s quiet praises as they tiptoed into Soobin’s room.

Or could it have been the night they slept over at Hyuka’s place and had to share the crammed corner of the couch? Soobin had tried his best to fold his body to take up a single cushion, but his lanky limbs had other plans. Beomgyu didn’t mind though; he merely looped his arms and legs around the older, pinning him there before falling asleep on him. Nobody commented on it the next day, but Soobin felt Yeonjun’s eyes on them the entire night.

“So,” Beomgyu shifts from foot to foot, not really seeming nervous (which is normal because he’s Beomgyu; why would he ever be nervous?), “What do you say?”

Soobin knows his heart is a sunk ship in the ocean and chaos that is Choi Yeonjun, that it had wrecked some time of the elder’s senior year of high school and couldn’t be salvaged. That he’s never even looked at Beomgyu as more than a close friend who he occasionally had sex with whenever the two needed a release. That dating Beomgyu would shift the entire friend group into a new, unexplored era. That he doesn’t know anything about Beomgyu as a potential boyfriend or husband or anything-

_Can I learn to?_

Soobin also knows he can’t take the heartache much longer, that he’s starting to reach the end of his one man act, closer to revealing his dirty little secret. He fell in love with his oblivious best friend and has been suffering the consequences of a one sided love ever since.

But Beomgyu could fix that.

He’ll never be Yeonjun, and that’s okay because...

Because he’s cute, and charming, and always makes Soobin laugh. He likes to cuddle and talk for hours on end and he even comes to Soobin’s job just to buy pastries and steal a hug over the counter. He endures whenever Soobin goes off in rants about the carbon footprints of major corporations and buys Soobin the best gifts out of the rest of the group every time Christmas comes around. 

And possibly most important of all: he is happily gay and interested romantically in Soobin.

“Sure,” Soobin’s brain manages to get the sound out, “Let’s give it a try.”

Beomgyu’s cheeks stretch, forcing his eyes to squint as one of the cutest smiles Soobin has seen to date appears on his face, “Sounds good to me.”

Under the terrible fluorescent lights of a 7/11, Beomgyu pulls Soobin in for a kiss and Soobin closes his eyes, happy for a distraction from the absolute turbulence taking place inside of him.

He knows that it will take time, that he’ll have to build Beomgyu a pedestal of his own. But with how careful Beomgyu connects their lips, how soft his hands are, how gentle he whispers sweet nothings against Soobin’s lips, he doesn’t think it will take long.


	6. one year ago - soobin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: emotional abuse

**One Year Ago**

Soobin tongues the inside of his cheek nervously, “I didn’t realize-”

“Yeah, you never do,” Beomgyu spits, glaring with dark eyes and flared nostrils, “Can you at least _pretend_ to be interested in me for once?”

Soobin winces at the venom in his question, “Gyu, I _am_ interested in you.”

His boyfriend scoffs, hands flying into the air, “Right, of course.” He storms out of the living room, bypassing Taehyun who tries to pretend he can’t hear anything with his head ducked behind his phone, and slams his bedroom door close. The force of the door rattles the frame and echoes in the wall then the entire apartment falls quiet.

Soobin closes his eyes, retracing what exactly caused their argument this time around. 

Oh, yes. 

Soobin had planned on taking Beomgyu out to his favorite arcade to have a fun gaming date tonight. It’s something that the younger would have been ecstatic about a few months ago. 

Now, however, it seems to be the worst date idea to ever exist.

Soobin can’t pinpoint when the shift started, when Beomgyu’s comments began to lose their playful implications and teeter into the more hostile territory. He hadn’t thought much of it in the beginning, really, just pinned it on the younger’s overloaded class schedule and intensive projects. But they became more frequent, more backhanded, more... hurtful.

He’d brought it up one night that he was staying over Beomgyu and Taehyun’s place, thinking that in the dark he wouldn’t have to stare at Beomgyu’s big brown eyes and lose his nerve.

“Gyu,” his boyfriend made an acknowledging noise, “... uhm... I don’t know if you mean to make me feel like this, but lately.. You just say things that make me feel bad about myself. And I-” Beomgyu shifted in his arms to properly face him and Soobin’s breath caught in his throat, despite the poor lighting.

“You what?” Beomgyu prompted, eyebrows visibly furrowing into a crease in the middle even in the dark.

Soobin tried not to cave, swallowing a lump in his throat, “I-I’m not calling you a liar for saying those things, but I don’t think they’re true...”

“Soobinie, everything I have told you is what everyone thinks. They just don’t want to say it because it’s not their place,” Beomgyu retorted instantly.

Soobin blanched, “I don’t think-”

“As your boyfriend,” Beomgyu easily overpowered Soobin’s voice, “I’m supposed to help you grow, aren’t I?”

“... Yes.”

“You can’t grow if everyone is telling you what you want to hear.”

Soobin knew that, “But this is different. A few days ago you told me that I looked like a wreck in front of Yeonjun-”

“Is Yeonjun your boyfriend?”

The question blindsided Soobin, guilt setting in place of his frustration almost instantly.

It was a reference to a slip up on a particularly rough night, a lapse of Soobin’s jumbled conscious and electrified emotions, one that he didn’t think would ever come to surface after being so vehemently repressed for years. But the pressure of Beomgyu accusing Soobin of cheating on him for merely hanging out with one of his co workers outside of work, getting drunk off his ass in celebration of passing his mid term, had worn Soobin down so much that he had been desperate to prove his loyalty. Beomgyu demanded that he come clean about any and everyone he had pursued before him, claiming that he had to know in order to trust Soobin.

And Soobin wanted Beomgyu to trust him, wanted Beomgyu’s affirmation, his praise, his smile, his giggle.

Needed it.

So that night Soobin drunkenly admitted that he had feelings for Yeonjun, sobbing into his sweatshirt, as Beomgyu glared at him from across his room. The bitter, angry laughter that filled the room was humiliating and Beomgyu repeatedly asked Soobin why he thought he was good enough for Yeonjun to even pay him the time of day. Soobin had tried not to reply, tried to breathe, tried to stop crying so fucking hard, but Beomgyu commanded him to answer, aggressive and unrelenting. He put words in his mouth, made Soobin feel like absolute shit for having such disgusting thoughts about his straight best friend who took pity on him since he was a loner, made Soobin grovel at his feet to give him worth as a person. 

Then they cuddled, with Beomgyu pressing soft kisses over Soobin’s swollen cheeks and eyelids, whispering quiet praise for Soobin’s confessions and Soobin drank in the short-lived affection. He clutched Beomgyu tighter in his arm and lost himself in the sensation of being well loved and taken care of the way only Beomgyu could do.

And as Soobin murmured a tiny “You know he’s not,” he felt just as helpless as he did that night weeks ago.

“Then why does it matter what he thinks of you?” Beomgyu inquired, lips pressed tight.

“It’s not that it matters, but-”

“Remember when I said that all you ever do is blame everyone else for your problems?” A reluctant nod answered the question. “And here you are. Blaming me for telling you the truth.”

And Beomgyu was right. Soobin was arguing in denial of the very thing that he was doing. It left Soobin speechless, mouth opening and closing when he realized that he had nothing to say.

“I only want to help you grow, but I can’t do that if you’re fighting me.”

Soobin found himself whispering, “I don’t want to fight you...”

“Isn’t that what you were just doing, Soobin?”

Whenever Soobin did something wrong, all the affection that typically laced his name was dropped and it never failed to make him want to cry, “No, Gyu, you-”

“Me? You think I caused this? I wasn’t the one who brought this up, was I?”

“No-”

“Do I start these arguments? Think about it, Soobin, use your little brain for once in your life. Have I ever brought up things for us to argue about?”

“... No.”

“You know why? It’s because I want us to last, to have a strong relationship. Not to fall apart. Do you want us to break up, Soobin? To go back to being worthless again?”

“No! I don’t-”

“I’m done talking about this. You can sleep on the floor tonight. I don’t feel comfortable with you up here, knowing that you only want to argue with me.”

Soobin tried to plead, nearly hysterical at the notion, “Gyu-”

“Soobin. Get out of my bed. Now.”

He obeyed this time, albeit shakily and with tears threatening to spill over his lash line. He had messed up more than enough times, but not enough to not be showered with praise afterwards. It hurt more than he could have imagined.

“Good night,” Beomgyu turned over and hiked the comforter over his shoulders, effectively ending their conversation.

Soobin laid down on the floor beside the bed after several minutes passed and the younger had fallen back to sleep as if nothing had just taken place between them.

Soobin sighs, soft and quiet, then opens his eyes again as the memory ends. He hasn’t brought up the issue since then, almost certain that Beomgyu would think he doesn’t want to be together anymore. Which is far from the truth. If the last six months taught him anything, it would be that Beomgyu is the person Soobin was missing his entire life. Someone who cares enough to be honest and blunt, even when he doesn’t want to hear it.

Taehyun shifts on the couch, glancing up from his screen when Soobin stands, “He’s just stressed,” he weakly offers.

Soobin isn’t sure what the explanation is for. This is just how Beomgyu is whenever he feels neglected; stress has nothing to do with it. Soobin doesn’t say anything, knows better really.

Taehyun removes an AirPod, keeps speaking without prompting, “You aren’t a bad boyfriend, hyung. You make him really happy. He won’t shut up about you whenever you’re gone.”

“Really?” Soobin asks before he can catch himself. Beomgyu will have heard it.

“Really. He loves you,” Taehyun nods earnestly, trying to soothe Soobin but only serving to make him more anxious, “A lot. I think he gets in his head sometimes though. I’m sure he doesn’t believe half of the stuff he says when he’s angry.”

Soobin blinks, almost laughing in shock at the statement. Taehyun thought _this_ was Beomgyu when he was angry? 

What a joke. This is puppy play, Soobin could do this every day if he had to. Beomgyu when angry, however, was an entirely different beast, one that Soobin tries to stay as far away from as he can. Besides Beomgyu means every word he says, doesn’t lie to coddle Soobin like the rest of their friends. It’s not something to brush off at all.

Taehyun watches him, eyes scanning over him as if answers are written over his skin, “Hyung, I mean it... You’re really not a bad person. You had the best intentions planning this date. You did nothing wrong.”

Soobin curls inward out of insecurity, out of worry that his boyfriend will have heard him talking to Taehyun about their relationship, out of fear of the damage a nosy observer could make. Beomgyu didn’t like people in their business, didn’t like people talking about what they talked about behind closed doors. And now, neither did Soobin, “You really shouldn’t talk about things you don’t know, Taehyun.” It comes out harsh. Almost as scorching as Beomgyu’s honesty.

But it doesn’t feel good. 

The way Taehyun’s face contorts and he places his phone down makes Soobin’s stomach cramp and sink, “Hyung, I know that you’re not a bad person. Anyone who has met you, even for a second, knows you’re not a bad person,” he’s lying because he thinks Soobin can’t handle the truth, that’s what Beomgyu says his friends are good at, “Beomgyu knows you’re not a bad person. He’s just emotional.”

“I don’t appreciate you talking about my boyfriend like he’s some out of control toddler,” Soobin persists, not allowing himself to be brainwashed by the younger’s dishonesty, “I messed up. I should have talked to him about the date idea before planning a whole night around it. I ruined our date night and now I need to figure out how to fix it. Beomgyu did nothing except be honest so don’t make it seem like he’s the one who started this whole mess,” Soobin’s heart feels like it’s in his throat as he stares down at Taehyun, “Got it?”

Taehyun only furrows his brows, lips stretching into a taut line, holding his gaze level with Soobin. Everything inside of Soobin simmers, boils, threatens to spill over and he has to shove it all down into some dusty corner, just so he can breathe. Everything he just said was not him, not him at all really, but rather the growth, the progress, the trust that Beomgyu had told him was their goal in the end. If he allowed Taehyun to make him think if he really was a good person, he would be wrecking it, wrecking his relationship, wrecking all of Beomgyu’s sacrifice and hard work. 

He _couldn’t._

Soobin is the first to break their staring contest, making his way past the couch and towards Beomgyu’s room at the end of the hall as quickly as possible. His hand is clammy against the doorknob and he struggles to get a good grip, repeatedly wiping his hand on his jeans until it lets him twist the handle. He walks inside and closes the door right after him, counting his breaths to keep them from escalating.

Beomgyu is waiting for him when he comes in, sitting on the edge of his bed, not even bothering to look up from his phone, “Where are we going?”

“Anywhere,” Soobin swallows down the knot in his throat, “Anywhere you want to go.”

At that his boyfriend looks up, all chocolate eyes and warm smiles, “Anywhere?”

Soobin nods, desperate to keep him like this, happy, in love, satisfied. 

“Alright, let’s go,” the younger bounces onto his feet, closing the distance between them to plant a soft kiss that leaves Soobin dizzy with joy, “Did Hyunie get to you?”

Soobin swiftly shakes his head, letting his hands rest on Beomgyu’s waist as their lips press into each other again.

“Good. You’re really starting to understand their games now, aren’t you, baby?” The name evokes a soft, eager hum of agreement from Soobin, “You sound really hot when you’re defending me by the way.” Soobin tints pink at the fact that Beomgyu had actually been listening to their entire conversation. “You did such a good job.”

It may seem pathetic how these few words of affirmation, of acknowledgement, of praise put Soobin in a state of pure bliss, but no one knows Beomgyu the way Soobin does. They don’t understand how much Beomgyu loves Soobin and wants the best for him. Or how Soobin has grown a need for the younger to be his guiding light, his savior in times like these. And they don’t have to. 

Because Beomgyu is all Soobin needs.


	7. eight months ago - yeonjun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for enya 🥰  
> thank you to everyone who's been reading this fic and leaving comments so far. they really motivate me to write and I love getting dms about stories too so pls don't hesitate to find me on twt or leave a string of comments about your thoughts. I'll respond I promise <33  
> please enjoy!!

**Eight Months**

**Piece of Shit 💩**

_Piece of Shit_ 💩 _is typing..._  
 **Is Soobin with you?**  
 _Read 6:58 pm_

The text is simple, self explanatory really. But it rubs Yeonjun the wrong way, makes him place the pan down onto the stovetop to hold the phone with both hands. He re-reads it one more time to try making sense of it. It only serves to piss him off.

**Piece of Shit 💩**

**y?**   
_Read 6:59 pm_

**Just answer the question**   
**Is he with you?**   
_Read 7:00 pm_

Yeonjun frowns at his screen. He hadn’t seen Soobin since he’d left for classes this morning, probably wouldn’t see him for another hour if his org meeting ran over. It wasn’t like his schedule randomly changed mid way into the semester so the inquiry seems out of place, but these days, every conversation he has with Beomgyu is.

This is the fourth time in the past week that Beomgyu has asked him about Soobin, and it’s starting to get aggravating. The first time had been when Soobin brought a classmate over to work on a project. He asked if Yeonjun could take a picture of them and when he refused, there was a knock at the front door less than five minutes later. Beomgyu literally sat a foot away from them on the couch, openly staring and making the poor girl so uncomfortable that she told Soobin that she’d rather meet at the library from then on. The second time was the morning that Soobin had left in a sour mood, refusing to tell Yeonjun what was wrong. Beomgyu wanted to know if Yeonjun had known why he was upset and Yeonjun told him that he didn’t. Soobin didn’t come home that night, but the next morning he seemed happier. The third time was just yesterday when Soobin was at work and had sent a meme in their group chat only to delete it seconds later. Yeonjun had texted him to resend it because it was funny and next thing he knows Beomgyu’s telling him that it wasn’t even good, that he shouldn’t have sent it in the first place. And now this bullshit.

**Piece of Shit 💩**

**no**   
_Read 7:01 pm_

**Did he turn off his location sharing for you?**   
_Read 7:01pm_

  
“What?” Yeonjun says into the air, completely caught off guard.

He switches out his messages to check his Find My Friends app, spotting Soobin where he thought he would be: on campus. His finger hesitates over the message button, trying to decide whether or not he should let him know that Beomgyu’s being a weirdo again. After a minute of contemplation, he exits the app entirely and turns his screen off to focus back on making dinner. Yeonjun tries to force himself to be immersed in washing the rice and filling the rice cooker, but in the back of his mind all he can think about is that stupid message.

Soobin is not a little kid; he doesn’t need to have his every step monitored. Besides, he doesn’t have to share his location at every second of every day. Knowing Soobin he probably just misclicked and turned it off or something. It’s nothing to text other people about.

Frustrated, Yeonjun moves to the freezer, pulling out a frozen veggie mix, while muttering something along the lines of how much he absolutely despises Soobin’s dumb, idiot boyfriend. He starts slicing his green onions to keep from sending a text to tell the younger off about being a creep. Thirty or so minutes later, the front door knob jiggles and Yeonjun turns around to find Soobin coming in, head ducked, hat pulled low over his face.

“Hey, I’m making fried rice,” Yeonjun turns back to the counter to finish chopping the stems, “And I think there’s leftover sausage in the fridge if you want some meat with it.”

“Oh, hyung, you should’ve told me. I could’ve stopped by the store if you needed something.”

Yeonjun shakes his head, cupping a handful of the slices onions to add to the pan, then tossing some sesame oil on top, “Nah, I don’t care really. I was just craving rice.”

Soobin enters the kitchen, going straight to the sink to wash his hands, “When are you not craving rice? But thanks for making dinner.”

“No problem,” Yeonjun smiles, glad to know that Soobin can still joke with him even though they haven’t spent much time together in recent days. They only really see each other in the mornings when they’re both half asleep or at dinner before they both start doing coursework (unless Beomgyu sleeps over, then they don’t see each other at all). “How was your day?”

Soobin dries off his hands before crossing the kitchen to reach the refrigerator, “Long. I’m exhausted. But I need to finish my lab analysis tonight by midnight or I’m screwed.”

“Ah,” Yeonjun nods, knowing how it feels to be stuck under one assignment’s mercy, “Well, at least eat with me first. I don’t want you going hungry. Oh, can you grab two eggs for me?”

Soobin retrieves the sausage and places it onto the cutting board, “I don’t ‘go hungry’ hyung; it’s called intermittent fasting. I just went from eating three meals to one,” Yeonjun glances up from the pan at the news, eyebrows furrowing, as Soobin goes back into the fridge to grab eggs, “Beomgyu said it would help me lose weight.”

“Why are you trying to lose weight?”

“I’m too chubby,” Soobin shrugs, placing the eggs onto the counter and shutting the fridge door. “It makes it hard for Beomgyu to choose outfits for me.”

“Soobin, you’re perfectly fine the weight that you are.”

Soobin looks up at that moment and smiles in a way that doesn’t reach his eyes. It makes Yeonjun’s stomach cramp. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, Junie hyung. I know I’m overweight.”

Yeonjun can’t believe what he’s hearing, “I’m not lying, Bin. You’re not overweight or chubby or anything. You’re fine. You don’t need to lose any weight. Especially not for someone else.” 

“Beomgyu isn’t just ‘somebody else.’ He’s my boyfriend.”

The reminder is salt on an open wound, something Yeonjun knows but doesn’t like to be reminded of. “Your _boyfriend_ ,” Yeonjun hisses the title, “shouldn’t make you think you’re overweight when you’re not. He shouldn’t be telling you to lose weight. Matter of fact he shouldn’t be commenting on your body or appearance negatively at all. If he loved you, he would only be complimenting like boyfriends should.”

“Boyfriends are supposed to help you grow,” the smile fades from Soobin’s expression, “Not coddle you. Beomgyu loves me so much that he’s honest with me, which is more than I can say for the other people in my life.”

Yeonjun blinks, unsure of what the hell Soobin is talking about, “Soobin, do you think I’m actually lying to you? Do you think I would lie to you after all this time?”

The rice cooker dings in the background and Soobin starts to move away, avoiding eye contact as he does so. Yeonjun reaches out to grab his wrist to prevent him from ending the conversation but Soobin flinches so hard that Yeonjun freezes, hand mid air, mouth open in shock.

_What the fuck just happened?_

Soobin has never flinched when Yeonjun attempted to touch him in the past. He has never shown fear when Yeonjun came near him, not even when they had petty arguments over which direction to put the toilet paper or who’s turn it was to wash dishes. And yet here he is cowering into himself, tucking his shoulders in towards his ears. The sight breaks Yeonjun’s heart. “Bin-ah, I’m not going to hurt you.” Soobin doesn’t look up, doesn’t relax, doesn’t speak. “Look, I won’t touch you... I just- I want to make sure you know that I’m not lying to you. I,” Yeonjun has to swallow down the word he wants to use, “l-like you just the way you are. You don’t need to change. Not for me... Or your boyfriend.”

The rice cooker beeps again and this time Yeonjun lets Soobin rush over to it. He watches as the younger retrieves a bowl from the cabinets and transfers the cooked rice into it. He studies Soobin, really looks at him, and notices how thin he’s actually gotten. His usual cheek fat is almost non-existent and his already slim frame has become gaunt, his long sleeve clinging on all the wrong places and Yeonjun doesn’t know what to do with the information.

“Here,” Soobin says, meek and soft, sliding the bowl across the counter rather than coming closer. Before Yeonjun can speak again, a phone is ringing and Soobin is busy walking to his backpack to retrieve it. When he manages to get it out of the pocket, he swipes to answer and turns around, facing the wall, “Hey, Gyu, I missed you... I just got home, why?” Yeonjun, not wanting to be obvious in his eavesdropping, turns back to his pan and adds the cooked rice. “I did? I’m sorry, I didn’t even-... No... No, I was at my org meeting... Yes... You’re right. I should have checked before going in... I didn’t mean to make you stressed... You asked hyung?” Yeonjun slightly tenses at the mention of his name, hesitating momentarily as he cracks the eggs into the pan. “He didn’t... I didn’t even know... Yeah... I’ll, um, I’ll ask... I have a lab report due tonight so I don’t think I have the ti-... No, of course not. Nothing’s more important than you... Okay... I’ll see you in a few... Bye. Love you.”

Yeonjun shifts to the cutting board, slicing up the sausage to keep his hands busy, to keep his cool. 

“... Hyung,” Soobin begins and Yeonjun slices faster, “Did Beomgyu text you?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t important. He was asking a dumb question.”

“What was it?”

Yeonjun places his knife down slowly, picking up the cutting board, “Something about your location. He apparently couldn’t see it and wanted to know if I could.”

It’s quiet and then, “Why didn’t you tell me?” the younger repeats.

“Because it shouldn’t matter. It wasn’t like you were in danger or something, you were just at your org meeting,” Yeonjun guides the sausage from the cutting board into the pan, “There was no reason to look at your location anyways-”

“You should have texted me, hyung.”

Yeonjun turns at the statement, realizing that Soobin is... upset?

“If you texted me, everything would have been fine. But now I have to try and prove where I was.”

“Soobin, you have your org meeting every Wednesday-”

“How does he know that I wasn’t just- just fucking around on campus?”

“And if you were?” Yeonjun presses, confused as to what the issue is. He places the cutting board back down to give him something to do, “Why should it matter?”

“I shouldn’t be around people he doesn’t know.”

“You do know that you _can_ have a life outside of your relationship, right?”

“No, I _can’t_.”

“Why not?”

“Because when you’re in a relationship, transparency is important. It’s the basis of trust,” Soobin’s fists clench at his side and it doesn’t sit well with Yeonjun at all, “How can he trust me if I’m not where I say I am? If he doesn’t agree with the people I talk to?”

“Trust is believing that you are where you say you are without having to check, trust is knowing that your partner will choose the best for themselves,” Yeonjun bites back, frustration mounting, “What Beomgyu is doing is creepy and possessive-”

“Stop! Stop doing that!”

“Doing what?!”

“Talking about my boyfriend like that! Like he’s some kind of-”

“Controlling asshole!? Well, Soobin, I’m sorry to break it to you but that’s what he’s acting like-”

“You don’t know him,” Soobin shouts angrily, “You aren’t with him! You don’t get to tell me what he is!”

Yeonjun starts to list on his fingers, “He insults you, makes you feel insecure, convinces you that you have to share everything with him, ignores what you want, starves you-”

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?!” Soobin is near hysterics, “Do you hear yourself right now?!”

“Do you?! Because if you did, you would realize-”

A loud knock interrupts their screaming match. Both of their chests are heaving and Yeonjun knows that it’s _him_ because who else ruins every aspect of his life, “You have a lab to do tonight. You don’t have time to play house with Beomgyu.”

Soobin’s eyes narrow, so dark, so full of hatred that Yeonjun finds himself stepping back, “Yeonjun, I’m only going to say this once: keep his name out of your filthy, lying mouth and stay out of my goddamn relationship.” Then Soobin turns to the door, unlocking it and letting in the devil himself.

Yeonjun wants to explode, thinks he might when he takes it in the cocky smirk Beomgyu wears. Instead, he stomps out of the kitchen into his bedroom, grabbing his keys and wallet then back out to the living room. Yeonjun wonders if Beomgyu can sense the absolute tsunami of hatred rolling off of him. Clearly not, because he starts to talk with the most infuriating pout, “Oh, Junie hyung, where are you going-”

“Leave me the fuck alone,” he grits out, shoving shoulders roughly with the younger. He forces his feet into a random pair of shoes, not bothering to check if they’re even his, and bypasses Soobin wordlessly. He slams the door behind him, an echo of his frustration.

He doesn’t know where he’s going when he makes it to the street, just walks down the sidewalk, because he needs to keep moving, or else he’ll turn around and- and- and do what? 

_Calm down. Think._

His hands tighten around his key, digging the metal into his palm painfully, forcing him to focus on something other than that piece of shit up there. Yeonjun tries to process his anger, attempts to stop breathing so heavily, decipher Soobin’s words, but none of it makes sense.

Because Soobin has never spoken to him without honorifics, no matter how upset he was. If anything he started saying 'hyung' more often out of agitation and desperation. He also has never cursed at Yeonjun like he was the literal spawn of Satan before. He especially never made threatening comments or gestures towards him, towards anyone.

Except now he has.

But Yeonjun knows that that person is not his best friend. 

That person is not his roommate.

That person is not who he fell in love with.

Something is wrong. 

Something has changed.

He’s acting like, like, like-

Beomgyu.

The realization has Yeonjun cursing, has him wishing he could kick a wall as hard as humanly possible without the chance of breaking his foot, something to get rid of his own miserable reflection.

The similarities are painfully obvious now that he thinks about it in detail. Beomgyu drops honorifics frequently, especially when he’s pissed, curses at whoever he pleases, no matter how trivial, and uses force to get his friends to listen or pay attention or whatever it is he wants. Now that they've started dating, the same behavior is rubbing off on Soobin. Day by day Beomgyu’s making Soobin more like him. That’s why he wants to keep an eye on him so closely; he doesn’t want his progress to be ruined. And Soobin is along for the ride, so madly in love that he can’t even see what’s happening anymore.

Yeonjun is walking in circles now, rounding the same block, repeatedly, hoping that each corner will bring him some type of solution, some type of understanding as to how he needs to deal with this. He texts Taehyun, something vague that doesn’t give away too many details about what’s currently happening, in hopes that his friend might know the next best step better than he does. He pauses at a bench outside of his apartment, sitting down after a few moments and staring at nothing in wait. He almost drops his phone when it vibrates in his palm.

**taehyunie 🐿**

**If the friend told you that they don’t want**   
**to talk about their relationship with you anymore then** **I would stop**   
_Read 8:41 pm_

**Besides they are right, they know their relationship best**   
**If they’re happy, then you should be too**   
_Read 8:42 pm_

**and if they’re not?**   
_Read 8:43 pm_

**It seems like they want to be left alone hyung**   
**I think you should stay out of it**   
_Read 8:43 pm_

But how could he when it’s the person he loves the most?


	8. six months ago - soobin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: physical abuse

**Six Months Ago**

“I don’t know, Gyu,” Soobin sighs into the phone, staring at his half completed term paper, “I still have six pages to go.”

“Baby, you have all weekend to finish that paper. You’re telling me you can’t spare a few hours to be with me?”

Soobin sits up straighter at the implication, “No, no, that’s not why. I just- I really want to finish it now so that way I don’t have to worry about it after today.”

“You can do it tomorrowwww.”

“I know, but I need to get this done. I promise you’ll have all my attention when I come over this weekend.”

The line is silent and Soobin steels himself the best he can for the incoming, “You _always_ do this. Just forget it. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“I-”

“I said forget it.” Soobin stays quiet, chewing a hole through his lip. His free hand curls, nails digging crescents into his palms in wait, a new nervous habit that surfaced at some point in the last month. “Go ahead and be a slut with Yeonjun.”

Hearing the name makes him sick, makes his skin itch with guilt and remorse, makes him want to run away. He hasn’t been on proper speaking terms with the older since their big fight a few months back. They don’t study or go to PC cafes on the weekends or try new ramen places together anymore. Beomgyu put an end to those things after their fight, reminding Soobin that Yeonjun didn’t respect their relationship, that he didn’t understand them, and that he needed to be distanced in order to keep him from ruining all their hard work. 

So Soobin has been doing just that, closing himself off as much as he can handle and ignoring any of Yeonjun’s efforts to apologize. But he still makes Soobin dinner, still buys him his favorite snacks, still sits in the living room watching anime until 3 am on their old movie nights, still makes sure to leave Soobin’s spot on the couch open, still asks about his classes, about his day, about him and it makes Soobin so angry because how is he supposed to get over this stupid crush when Yeonjun does things like _that_? 

Every time Soobin tries to place his rage on Yeonjun, it just rolls back to him, mocking Soobin for his own self-inflicted torture. It reminds him that this was all his fault in the first place, that he should’ve just let it go, that he should’ve sat down and ate the damn fried rice and shoved his overwhelming need to defend his relationship off the edge of a cliff. 

It wasn’t as if Yeonjun had said something that Soobin hadn’t thought himself; if anything, it felt like Yeonjun was reading his mind at the time.

That was the problem. Hearing his insecurities and frustrations aired out by the very person Soobin wished could take them away cut him so deeply that he felt like he was falling apart at the seams, on the brink of insanity from feeling so alone. 

So he snapped. He said exactly what Beomgyu had taught him, mustered all of his complex emotions into fuel for his anger and spat them out.

He still remembers the way Yeonjun’s face flipped through a dizzying turn table of emotions before ending on... hurt.

Soobin had hurt him, all because he saw what Soobin was too afraid to acknowledge.

All because it made Soobin think that if he wasn’t the only one who noticed these things, then maybe something _was_ wrong... 

No, no, that can’t be true. Soobin knows that Beomgyu is trying to help him. He just can't help feeling so overwhelmed with the task of loving him most days. It’s exhausting, taking up nearly all of his attention and barely leaving time for school and work. He doesn't get much sleep when he is home and is pretty sure he could walk blindfolded to Beomgyu’s place with how often he makes the trek. He’s working himself to the bone, but it’s not enough.

Beomgyu releases a loud sigh, crackling through his speaker, pulling Soobin out of his thoughts, “That’s all you care about anyways. You’d think _he_ was your boyfriend with how often you two are together.”

The implication has Soobin whimpering in protest, “Beomgyu, we live together; I can’t avoid him,” An annoyed huff comes from his boyfriend. He continues, “You know nothing is happening-”

“Do I?” Soobin knows better than to reply. “Do I really, Soobin? Because how the hell do I know what you two are doing right now? I bet he’s with you.”

“No, I’m all alone-”

“Show me,” the call disconnects and Soobin is clicking the FaceTime button as fast as he can. It rings once, then twice, then three times and his hand is trembling so much that he has to grip his phone with both hands to steady it. Finally, Beomgyu answers with a single word, “Flip.”

Soobin obeys the command, flipping the camera towards his empty bedroom. He does a pan, then gets out of his bed, already anticipating the demand to show his closet. He opens the door to show that it is also empty and then gets on all fours to show under his bed.

“That’s enough.”

Soobin rises onto his feet and returns back to his bed, switching the camera back to his face, “I’m sorry-”

“Bullshit.”

“No, Gyu, I really am-”

“You aren’t. You obviously aren’t because if you were, you would be on your way here with an ICEE.”

And that’s how Soobin finds himself outside of Beomgyu and Taehyun’s apartment at 12 am, backpack slung on his shoulder, blue raspberry ICEE in hand, and anxiety clawing apart his thoughts.

He needs to finish this paper. He can’t afford to miss another assignment; it would tank his grade for the semester which has already suffered enough to let him know he’ll barely pass with a D. But he also can’t afford for Beomgyu to be mad at him, not now, not in the thick of midterm season, not when he’s all Soobin has.

He texts Beomgyu to let him know he’s outside so he doesn’t wake Taehyun by knocking since his bedroom is closer to the door. He waits for about five minutes before the door is finally opened, revealing his boyfriend completely swamped in an oversized shirt and wide leg pajama pants. 

“Hi,” Soobin gives a small smile, extending the ICEE, “You look cute.”

“You look like shit,” despite knowing that the insult was coming, it smashes Soobin’s confidence down a few more notches, “Why aren’t you wearing the concealer I bought you?”

“Ah, um, I thought it was just for when we went out,” Soobin admits, head bowing as Beomgyu takes his ICEE, “Sorry, I’ll make sure to bring it next time.”

“Aren’t you tired?”

“Huh?”

“All you ever say is sorry. Aren’t you tired of always fucking up?” Beomgyu doesn’t wait for a reply, turning around and heading in the direction of his bedroom. 

Soobin doesn’t know how to answer that because it isn’t like he wakes up every day looking for ways to disappoint Beomgyu. He actually does the complete opposite, doing his best to show his appreciation and love for all his boyfriend has done for him, but every slip up is somehow worse than the day before. Instead of answering and potentially angering Beomgyu further, Soobin decides to keep his eyes downcast, stepping inside and shutting the door after himself. He kicks off his shoes in the entryway then follows the younger into his room. 

Beomgyu pushes his laptop down towards the foot of the bed then rearranges his pillows, “What do you want to watch?”

“Whatever you want,” Soobin says easily, having been trained out of his selfish habit of answering questions like that truthfully. He pulls off his backpack, opening it to remove his own laptop. “I’m gonna watch and type my report at the same time. I’ll cuddle you as soon as I’m done.”

Beomgyu makes a noise of disapproval at having to wait, but doesn’t say anything else in response. He climbs onto the bed, pillow supporting his stomach, feet in the air as he happily sucks on the straw of his ICEE. Soobin sits beside him, back to the headboard, playfully poking at Beomgyu’s socked toes to elicit a small giggle before starting back on his assignments. 

The first hour is peaceful enough with Soobin pausing in his typing to occasionally pat at the small of Beomgyu’s back comfortingly or to ask a question about the show to prove that he’s semi interested. He still has four pages to go, and he’s sure he can finish the first draft in the next hour or so if he can keep up the pace. His phone vibrates in his pocket at some point and he decides to ignore it, too immersed in addressing the economic implication of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico to check whatever notification would be coming in at this time of morning. But then it buzzes again and again and again and Soobin is worried that Beomgyu will wind up noticing at this rate. He glances towards his boyfriend to check that his eyes are still trained on the movie then takes his phone out of his pants pocket carefully. When he unlocks it, he realizes that they’re all texts from Yeonjun asking where he went. The last one is a picture of a coffee cup from Soobin’s favorite 24/7 cafe up the street and a smiley face. He must have known Soobin was going to be pulling an all nighter and got him coffee to help. For some reason it makes Soobin want to cry, so much so that he doesn’t realize Beomgyu’s shifting until it’s too late.

His phone is gone in a flash. “I thought you were working,” Beomgyu snaps, Soobin’s phone gripped tightly in one hand as he sits on his knees, towering above him in this position, “Not playing on your phone.”

“I-I was. I just- Sorry, I was checking something,” Soobin scrambles to explain, resisting the urge to snatch his phone back, “I’ll put it up.”

“What were you checking?”

Soobin blurts instantly, “The time.”

“Why would you have to look at your phone for that?” Beomgyu’s eyes narrow.

“I- Uhm, the c-clock was-” Beomgyu glances down at the phone screen and it takes less than ten seconds for a furrow to twist the middle of his brow. Soobin pushes his laptop off to the side, jumping to explain, “H-he probably felt bad-”

“Shut up.” The command has Soobin’s mouth snapping close, anxiety freezing his body in place. Beomgyu then scrolls up the messages, reading them with such a disgusted expression that Soobin feels like he's done something unforgivable. He lets out a bitter chuckle, "And here I was, thinking that maybe you'd changed, that maybe we could finally be happy together."

Soobin’s heart drops, tears prickling his eyes, "We can-"

"Shut up!" this time it's louder, angry, "Don't fucking speak until I tell you to." Soobin whimpers, pressing back against the headboard in an effort to stay calm. "Yeonjun shouldn't be talking to you like this. He's overstepping my boundaries. He needs to be stopped."

He can’t possibly be serious. He can’t expect Soobin to just push him away. 

Not because of this. 

Not now.

_Not ever._

"Either you tell him or I will.”

“Gyu, he’s my-”

“Did I give you permission to open your mouth, dumbass?!” Soobin barely registers the action in time, attempts to block his face, hands overlapping in the middle, only to be slammed full force into his nose. The corner of his phone clashes with his knuckles, taking the brunt of the beating, and the force of the initial hit causes his head to abruptly ricochet off the headboard behind him. He hisses in pain, cupping his nose bridge with his hand that aches the least. “Look. At. Me.” He struggles to open his eyes only to find Beomgyu leering down at him, eyebrows drawn, lips pressed into a tight line, “Move your fucking hands.” Soobin’s hands drop to his lap instantly, shaking almost imperceptibly as they clutch onto themselves. “Don’t ever disobey my commands.” 

Soobin nods after a beat, nose throbbing, eyes watering. He presses his nails into his palm harshly to help keep from completely losing it.

“I wasn’t asking you if you wanted to tell him to stop. I told you to do it. If I see another message like this from him,” Beomgyu’s free hand catches Soobin’s jaw with such a tight grip that an involuntary tear slips from his eye, “I’ll give you something to cry about. Do I make myself clear?” His fingers dig into the juncture of his jaw roughly when the elder blinks up at him, “Speak.”

“Y-yes, yes. I-I understand.”

“What are you going to do?”

Tears flow at an alarming pace, slipping down the slope of his hollowed cheeks, “P-please... D-don’t make m-me-”

He doesn't have time to prepare for the next strike. The slap knocks his head to the left, cheek stinging where Beomgyu’s palm makes contact, blurring the edges of his vision and knocking the breath straight out of his lungs. Before he can even react to the pain, Beomgyu catches his jaw again, his bruising grip pressing onto tender skin, “Are you a slut?” Soobin stares up at his boyfriend, weak and fearful, straining his neck at the angle to keep their eye contact. “Answer me.”

“N-no.”

“I don’t believe you. Want to know why?” Soobin takes a second too long to reply; another swift slap on the exact same cheek has him reeling, gasping for air. Beomgyu doesn’t stop speaking though, just goes right back to holding Soobin’s jaw in a deadlock, “A slut does exactly what you’re doing right now. A slut wants any attention they can get because they’re so pathetic and needy. Is that what you are, Soobin? Are you a needy slut?”

Soobin has never had much of a self esteem, but Beomgyu has done an incredible job at decimating whatever inkling of confidence Soobin has. Not only in his looks, but in his personality, in his actions, in his everyday life choices. He is truly a hollowed out shell of himself by now, but it isn’t enough to stop Beomgyu from demeaning him like this. Soobin is surprised that Yeonjun has the slightest want to show him kindness with how much he has wrong with him if he's being honest. He finds himself unable to staunch his tears at the realization, unable to stop ugly sobs from building in his chest, unable to keep his sadness bottled up. 

_Why me?_

From falling in love with a straight man to being the downfall of his current relationship, Soobin wonders what he has done to suffer. There is no way to make sense of the heart ache he endures, no way to console a heart that has been stashed far away from its owner for years now. Surely, he deserves something in exchange for all he’s lost.

Soobin likes to think of himself as a seed, someone that takes time and nurturing to grow and love. He planted himself in Yeonjun’s garden of heart, a heart far too big for the scum that he dealt with, long ago. On the night of his ninth grade winter dance when Yeonjun spun him around in the outside parking lot because Soobin had been too afraid to dance in front of prying eyes, Soobin vowed to make his seed grow. He watered the seed until he couldn’t anymore, until he was aching to reveal his work of labor, of love, to the man himself. But there was no fruit to bear in the end; Yeonjun had fallen for some guy with smooth pick up lines and a charismatic grin at a dumb house party that Soobin wishes they’d never attended. And Soobin had to watch as Jaesuk pulled at the roots of his work, as he chopped away leaves and stems and left Yeonjun’s garden of a heart a mess. It was Soobin once again that had to help retoil the soil, reminding Yeonjun of his worth and validating his new found sexuality. It was Soobin that repaired Yeonjun's garden of a heart.

And what did Soobin harvest after all his work?

A man who claims to help him, to love him, and Soobin wants to believe him, he truly does, but love has never hurt like this before.

Beomgyu puts Soobin on high alert, overanalyzing every little potential slip up that can ruin his date nights. He shoves Soobin’s mistakes and shortcomings back into his face, finds hidden meanings that the older wasn't even aware of, chips away at his sanity with precision. He repeatedly tears down whatever defense Soobin builds, making each day more tortuous than the next. But-

_Yeonjun, Yeonjun, Yeonjun._

Yeonjun makes Soobin feel warm and fuzzy all over, like a gentle fire in the pit of his stomach, a calm in the eye of a storm. He makes Soobin feel strong and proud of every part of himself, even his insecurities. He makes him happy. Makes him whole. Makes him ache a little less. Makes his daily hell that much more bearable. 

And _God_ does Soobin hate him for it.

Soobin comes back to reality when Beomgyu’s suddenly scoffing, eyes narrowing into mere slits, “That’s what I thought,” he releases his jaw with a painful jerk, focusing back on Soobin’s phone. He types out a message and sends it, instructing the older as he does, “You’re staying here tonight. I don’t trust you alone with him.” All Soobin can do in response is continue to cry, breathing ragged, nails digging so deep into his palm that they break skin. “Keep up that noise and I’ll make sure you won’t forget tonight,” Beomgyu growls in warning, pushing off his knees to get out of bed. 

Soobin sniffles in an attempt to gain control of his emotions, using his shirt to wipe his wet cheeks, biting on his lip to keep from wincing in pain at the tender skin. He watches as his boyfriend turns off his phone and places it into his top drawer, mumbling something about being ungrateful under his breath. When Beomgyu turns back towards the bed, Soobin starts shaking in trepidation, his body reacting without his consent. 

“Close your computer.”

Soobin is quick to obey this time, having learned his lesson a few moments prior.

“Put it away.”

He doesn’t think twice about his term paper due, doesn’t even try to argue. He slips his laptop into his backpack, attentively awaiting the next command.

“I’m tired. We’re going to sleep,” Beomgyu crawls back into bed, closing his own laptop and moving it to the nightstand. He crawls onto his side underneath the sheets, and Soobin stiffly follows, wrapping his right arm around Beomgyu’s waist and pulling him in close without a reminder. The proximity has his heart pounding in his chest and Soobin prays that his boyfriend can’t feel it. “You know I just want the best for you right, baby?”

Soobin swallows a lump in his throat, “Yes.” 

“You love me enough to trust me, don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Even when you don’t like it?”

“Yes.”

"Even when Yeonjun is involved?"

"... Yes."

“Good. Let’s sleep now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're so close to the end I can taste it :") I hope this book hasn't broken too many of your hearts, but boyyyyyy does Beomgyu make me want to SCREAM 😡
> 
> also I put a poll on [twt](https://twitter.com/honeysugaboy) about update days, but feel free to comment below and let me know if you like weekends or weekdays better!
> 
> if you need something to soothe your heart, then check out my new insanely soft yeonbin fic, [north face!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111529/chapters/58043791)  
> or my sporty yeonbin fic, [take a lap, loser!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21879484/chapters/52223143)  
> 


	9. zero - yeonjun

Yeonjun lets the warm water from the tap run over the back of the pan, washing away the soapy residue, then hangs it onto the drying rack above the sink. He pats his hands dry on his pajama pants afterwards, glancing at the now ice cold dinner plate he had made for Soobin before deciding to transfer it into tupperware to put away. The clock on the microwave taunts him with its neon green 11:30 PM display meaning Soobin is probably staying over Beomgyu’s for the night. The realization makes him sigh with something akin to defeat while reaching into the proper cabinet.

Another night alone... It’s nothing new, if he’s honest. Soobin is home for about two days on the week and Yeonjun really only gets to interact with him for a few measly hours before the younger stops responding or his shithole boyfriend starts calling. But Yeonjun can’t blame the disintegration of their bond on Soobin entirely; he’s been putting distance between them as well. There is only so much rejection that he can take, feeling like a broken record each time he asks Soobin to hang out and receives the same: “Hyung, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Which is usually true, because whenever Soobin does cave in, the night ends with an explosive argument about his stupid, idiotic, controlfreak of a boyfriend. It also doesn’t help the fact that the mere mention of Beomgyu’s name makes Yeonjun want to punch the nearest wall.

He snaps the lids onto the top of the containers, moving back to the sink to wash the last of the dishes when the doorknob suddenly jiggles. It catches Yeonjun off guard, but he tries not to show his excitement as Soobin steps inside and hangs his backpack onto the hook beside the door. “Hey,” he greets Soobin quietly, sponge swirling on the surface of the plate, “How was your day?” 

Soobin just shrinks into his hoodie, head ducked to shadow his face, kicking off his shoes. Despite it being a normal occurrence by now, it still stings when the younger doesn’t reply. Most days, Yeonjun is lucky to get a one word answer. On extremely rare occasions, he may even get a whole sentence. It isn’t remotely close to the way they spoke less than a year ago but, at this point, Yeonjun takes whatever he gets. 

He rinses the plate and chopsticks, placing them both on the drying rack while Soobin is preoccupied with struggling to step out of his other shoe, “... Have you eaten?” The question makes Soobin pause, and Yeonjun wipes his hands down the front of his shirt before gesturing at the tupperware on the counter, “I made dinner for you.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“I know... I wanted to.”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Just,” the younger fully yanks his foot out of his shoe, stepping into the kitchen, “don’t do that.”

“What? Make you dinner?”

Soobin won’t look at him and it makes him feel queasy, “Yes. Stop it. Okay?“

“But... I always make you dinner.”

“So stop. You’re complicating things.”

“What are you talking about? It’s not complicated to make you dinner, Bin.”

“Maybe not for you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Soobin glares down at the tupperware, refusing to even spare a glance in Yeonjun’s direction, “You’re making things harder than they need to be.”

“I’m not doing anything-”

“Yes, you are. You know you are. You won’t stop acting like everything is normal, like things are the same-”

“They are-”

“They’re not,” Soobin cuts him off before the lie can leave Yeonjun’s lips, “They’re different. It’s different. _We’re_ different.”

Yeonjun can’t help but whisper back stubbornly, “We don’t have to be.”

“Yes,” Soobin sighs, a heavy noise that sinks his shoulders downwards, “We do.”

“Why?” Yeonjun can hear the desperation in his own question. “Why do we have to be different?”

“You know why.”

“I don’t.”

“Because Beomgyu doesn’t trust you.”

“But you do... Right?” 

Soobin looks towards the front door then back at the counter, voice strained, “I don’t know what I think anymore.”

“What?”

“I don’t- I don’t know anymore. I don’t... I don’t...”

Sensing that the conversation is not going to progress past this point, Yeonjun sighs, “Bin, let’s just-... Let’s not start this tonight. We can talk about this in the morning-”

“I don’t want to talk about this in the morning.”

“Look, I get it, but there’s no point in trying to continue this right now. Let’s agree to disagree for now. I made your favorite by the way.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Yeonjun frowns, staring at the younger’s impossibly thin side profile. He’s lost a lot of weight, too much actually. He’s developed deep sunken yellow rings around his eyes, and his cheeks are barely able to make a dimple with how little fat there is on him now. Yeonjun can probably close his hand around Soobin’s wrist without exerting any effort, can probably tackle him without any resistance. It’s scary. Whenever Yeonjun brings it up, Soobin says that Beomgyu likes him at this weight, that he feels attractive being this small and gaunt, that he’s _fine_ when he’s so clearly not. Yeonjun tries again, “Can you just have a bite?”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

“One bite and I’ll leave you alone for the night,” Yeonjun pleads softly, “Please.... Soobin, I’m worried about you-”

“Stop! That, right there! Just stop doing that!”

“Stop what!?” Yeonjun can’t help the frustration bubbling in his tone, “Worrying about you!?”

The reply is a whisper, a quiet admission, “You don’t need to worry about me. It’s not your job.”

“Soobin, I have always worried about you. You getting a fucking boyfriend doesn’t make me suddenly stop. How many times do I have to tell you I care about you?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m fine?!”

“Until you actually are! Do you know how hard it is to pretend to not see you withering away? To pretend that I’m okay with not having movie nights? To pretend that our lunch dates and gaming sessions weren’t the highlight of my week?” Yeonjun feels himself getting choked up at the not so long ago memories, all the things he had lost before he’d even gotten to appreciate them, “To pretend that I don’t hear you cry yourself to sleep nearly every night? To pretend that I don’t hear you and that piece of shit arguing every time he’s over? It’s fucking terrible. I hate it-”

“We all have to do things we don’t like, hyung-”

“No, we don’t!”

“Yes, we do!”

“You don’t! I’m serious, you can stop whenever you want, Soobin!”

“ _I can’t_ ,” Soobin hisses angrily, “You don’t get it, do you? That life isn’t some stupid fucking fairytale. Everyone has things they have to do and this is mine-”

“It doesn’t have to be. You don’t have to keep this going!”

“Well, according to your own advice, Yeonjunie hyung,” he says the name with venom, like it’s no longer a term of endearment to him and that cuts Yeonjun deeper than he expects, “You don’t have to keep worrying about me. Why is that so hard for you to understand!?”

“Because you’re my best friend,” Yeonjun is in complete disbelief, feeling like he’s arguing with a brick wall at this point, “There’s no way I’m-” 

Soobin abruptly spins on his heels and stomps towards the hallway, effectively ending the conversation, “You’re so fucking stubborn! Just forget it! I’m done!”

“Well, I’m not,” Yeonjun moves on instinct, racing to close their distance and latching onto Soobin’s wrist. He tugs lightly, the small bit of resistance making Soobin stumble to face him, hood sliding off his head. Yeonjun’s anger is instantly replaced by concern as he takes in the sight of his best friend, “W-What- What’s wrong?”

Soobin is crying, eyes swollen and bloodshot as if it’s been going on for longer than the past ten minutes. “Nothing,” he snaps without much bite behind it, attempting to free his arm from Yeonjun’s grasp, “Let me go.”

“Why are you crying?” Yeonjun presses, voice softening at the sight of the younger’s pink nose and wet cheeks. “Did something happen?”

“Let. Go.”

“Was it something I said?”

The question makes Soobin struggle more to break away from Yeonjun, avoiding eye contact, “Just get _off_ of me!”

“Bin, Bin, Bin-ah, stop. You’re going to hurt yourself-” Yeonjun freezes mid sentence, a flash of purple capturing all his attention and his free hand catches the fabric of Soobin’s hoodie sleeve to investigate further.

“W-what are you-” 

Yeonjun pulls the fabric upwards, revealing a bruise covering the lower half of his forearm. It's wrapped around his wrist in the shape of a tightly clenched fist filled with swirls of dark purple and splotches of red and blue, an outer ring of yellow lining the entire area suggesting its age. “Who did this?” Yeonjun voices the first thought that comes to mind, unable to tear his eyes away from the awful mark.

Soobin, no longer fighting against Yeonjun’s hold, whispers, “It’s old. “

“Who did this?”

“H-hyung, it’s old. It isn’t even sore anymore-”

“Was it Beomgyu?”

Soobin doesn’t respond.

Yeonjun tries to ignore the white hot fury tinging his vision. He doesn’t need to ask again for confirmation. He asks the next urgent question, “Is your arm okay?”

“Yes!” Soobin replies as if the idea is ludicrous, “He’s not trying to hurt me, hyung.”

Yeonjun has to bite his tongue to keep from shouting, “Soobin. He _has_ hurt you. I’m looking at it right now.”

“This is nothing,” he says, tone brittle.

“... He’s done more than this?”

“Only when I deserve-”

“You _never_ deserve this. He should _never_ put his hands on you.” Soobin doesn’t reply again and Yeonjun doesn’t think he can handle the silence, doesn’t think he can handle the fact that Soobin may believe he deserved such terrible treatment. He has to ask another question to keep his mind from veering off, “When was this one?”

“... A few days ago.”

Yeonjun’s eyes flutter close as he inhales sharply, “And the most recent one?”

“... An hour ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me the first time?” Yeonjun knows that this isn’t supposed to be about him, that this isn’t the main issue, but it feels like his heart is ripped into two, bleeding out on the floor between them. What kind of best friend is he if Soobin is too afraid to come to him when he is in need? What kind of boyfriend will he be if he can't even recognize when Soobin is being harmed in more ways than one? What kind of person is he to not have fought on Soobin’s behalf after all this time? 

Soobin rasps, voice crackling, “Because it doesn’t matter.”

“You’re wrong. This-”

“Who cares? Who the hell cares?”

“Me. I care-”

“No, you don’t-”

“Yes, I do,” Yeonjun opens his eyes with a flourish, agitation spiking his pulse even further up, “Yes, I fucking do!”

“Then why?!” The pain in Soobin’s eyes is nearly palpable as he yanks one last time and frees his wrist from Yeonjun’s hold. “Why are you doing this to me?!”

“Because I just want you to be happy, Soobin! That’s all I want! And I fucking hate him because he took that from you!” 

The younger scoffs, but it’s so choked that it sounds like the start of a sob, “You don’t get to decide that, Yeonjun-"

"Where's the other bruise from today?"

"I'm fine-"

"Where?" Yeonjun doesn't care when the word breaks. "Where is it?" After a long beat, Soobin pulls the collar of his hoodie down past his collarbone and all Yeonjun can do is stare. The skin is painted with fading bruises and red, inflamed welts spanning far past the patch that he can see. They vary in shape and size, implying that more than just hands are involved in these beatings, that this is more common than one random lashing out. The realization makes it damn near impossible for Yeonjun to rope in his temper. “How did this start?"

There’s a long stretch of silence and then, “... I made him angry.”

“Bullshit! You didn’t make him do anything,” Yeonjun growls.

Soobin vehemently shakes his head, “But-”

“No, you didn’t do anything. _He_ did everything. _He_ is the issue. Alright?” Soobin drops his gaze and Yeonjun doesn’t push him, doesn’t think he can hear more anyways. “You were saying... He was mad?”

“Y-yes,” Soobin doe eyes go dull and cloudy, “I... He...” Soobin’s shoulders lift up to his ears, chin ducking down to his chest, “When I came over, h-he asked me if I actually cared about him and, of course, I said I did. But then he told me I obviously didn’t because of y-you texting me. And I j-just wouldn’t l-listen a-and a-and a-and h-he w-w-was really tr-trying to e-expla-explain wh-what-”

“Bin,” Yeonjun can’t remember the last time he’s seen Soobin cry like this, hates that Beomgyu is the reason behind it. 

The younger inhales a deep, shaky breath, “T-this time h-he couldn’t h-h-hold it b-back anymore... I-it was t-the wor-worst one yet.”

Yeonjun rakes his brain for the logical next step, "You need to go to the police-"

“No! No! T-this is my fau-fault-” 

“None of this is your fault, Soobin-”

“But it i-is!” Soobin breaks into a sob, entire body rocking forward as he exclaims, “H-he just wo-wouldn’t s-stop this t-time and I-I got sc-scared a-and called Tae-Taehyun, b-but it m-made him m-more angry so he t-told me to g-go away.”

Yeonjun tries to hear past his roaring thoughts, tries not to give into the absolute rage that consumes him, “Taehyun was there?" A nod. “What the fuck? Why didn’t he help you?”

"H-he was with Kai. T-they don't know w-what’s go-going on."

"How long has it been? Since he first started?"

"I-I can't rem-remember."

Yeonjun has heard _enough_. He’s going to kick his foot so far up Beomgyu’s ass that he hopes it tears into two. He bypasses the younger for the front door, choosing his boots with the hardest toe he can find. He shoves his feet into them as Soobin appears beside him, trying to swallow back cries, "W-where are y-you g-going?"

“Try and find your insurance card. When I get back, we’re going to the hospital.”

“I t-told you I-I’m fine!”

“Look,” Yeonjun wants to keep his voice down because he isn’t mad at Soobin at all, but _fuck_ it’s so hard when Soobin keeps defending Beomgyu as if he is innocent. “I trust you. I believe you. But I want to make sure there’s nothing broken that we can’t see, alright?”

“Th-they’re gonna ask q-questions,” Soobin’s entire face has gone pink, his eyes glassy and cheeks saturated, “Th-they’re gonna h-hurt Beomgyu.”

Yeonjun snatches his keys off the hook by the door, muttering under his breath, “Not before I do first.”

“H-hyung, don’t tell m-me you’re go-going to-”

“Go find the card, Soobin. I’ll be back soon,” he doesn’t wait for his reply, just exits the door and locks it after him.

He breaks into a sprint, opting to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator, needing to take advantage of every second he has before his target is made aware of his incoming presence. When he makes it to the street level, he regrets his choice of storming out without a jacket, but quickly reminds himself that this is nothing compared to what Soobin has been through.

As he rounds the first corner, Yeonjun thinks about how the kid he once called his dongsaeng, who he’d bought meals for, planned surprise birthday parties for, had given relationship advice to, had turned out like this. He wonders if he could have stopped this behavior from forming, if he had missed the opportunity to correct it by being so wrapped up in his own petty love crises. He wonders if Soobin is the first or just another name to add to the list. He wonders if he even has the right to be angry when he has been a bystander all this time. If he hadn’t seen the flash of purple, if he hadn’t continued to argue tonight, then nothing would have changed. This cycle of abuse would have kept going until... until... He doesn’t even want to think about it. But, hell, Soobin had been suffering for so long that he couldn’t even keep track anymore, that he wasn’t even fighting it anymore.

Yeonjun forces his mind to focus on the task at hand when he wipes out on some poor stranger that was struggling to step out of his way. He’s sweating and panting when he gets back up and shouts sorry to the person, lungs and legs on fire from running at full sprint all the way to Beomgyu’s place, but he doesn’t allow himself to stop. He pushes himself, taking two stairs at a time to get to Beomgyu’s floor then pounding down the hall directly to his door. His fist bangs on the door hard enough to wake up the entire floor and he absently hopes that they do so that they can watch him kick Beomgyu’s ass as well.

The door is swung open by Kai with a bewildered expression and sleepy looking Taehyun clutching onto his arm. “Hyung?” the youngest says tiredly.

“Where is he?” Yeonjun demands, rising onto his tippy toes to see past the two. “Is he still here?”

At the same time that Taehyun opens his mouth to ask a question, Beomgyu rounds the corner. He sports a surprised expression as he does so and it makes Yeonjun’s blood boil, “Soobin hyung? He said he-”

“Don’t you dare say his fucking name!” Yeonjun roars and Kai flinches, eyes springing open, “You don’t deserve to say his name!”

Taehyun tries to contain the situation, “Whoa, whoa, hyung, calm down-”

Yeonjun pushes past his younger friends, vibrating with nerves and anger and something so hot that it feels like it’s burning him alive, “I knew you were a piece of shit from the start, but never would I have thought you’d stoop so fucking low-”

“What are you talking about?!” Taehyun cries out from behind him.

Beomgyu doesn’t seem phased by Yeonjun’s rage at all, “Don’t worry, Taehyun-ah, I think he’s drunk-”

Yeonjun barks out a laugh, but it’s so humorless that it fills the room with unease, “Rich. Absolutely fucking rich. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Yeonjun can see the moment everything clicks, the way Beomgyu’s fists clench, the way his eye twitches. Beomgyu knows that Yeonjun knows now. And Yeonjun hopes that it pisses him off enough to swing first so he can end this without the potential of being arrested. “He was in love with you, y’know? He was so fucking head over heels for you.” He has flashbacks to the night at the club, the way Soobin was puddy in Beomgyu’s hands in the midst of everything and it makes him seethe, “You had him in the palm of your hand, asshole. So what was the point? Let me know! Enlighten me, Beomgyu!”

“Hyung, calm down or I’m going to call the police,” Kai threatens, all the sleepiness gone from his voice.

Beomgyu’s eyes shoot over Yeonjun’s shoulder in alarm, “Don’t-”

“Yes, call them!” Yeonjun says over him, stepping to the left to cut off the younger’s gaze, “Tell them to bring an ambulance while you’re at it! Now back to my question: why the fuck did you-”

“Hyung!” the familiar voice has Yeonjun cursing, whipping around to see Soobin there, still crying, voice thick and rasped. The state of his disheveled clothes has him wondering if he had been running after Yeonjun this whole time. “D-don't do this, please!”

While Yeonjun is distracted, Beomgyu plants his hands on his chest and roughly shoves in the direction of the hallway he had emerged from, “You’re pathetic.”

Yeonjun stumbles backwards into the enclosed area, tripping over his own feet as he bites back, “Coming from a piece of shit like you, I gotta say it doesn’t mean much.”

Beomgyu follows him menacingly, voice low to prevent the others from overhearing, “You’ve had him since high school. You could have dated him at any time. But you wait until he’s with someone who can actually take care of him to suddenly play hero? Sounds like a dick move if I’ve ever heard one.”

“You wanna talk about dick moves?” Yeonjun spits back, finally getting his balance, hand reaching out to brace himself on the wall. Behind Beomgyu, Taehyun darts into his room down the hall while Kai holds Soobin back from the other two. “Have you met yourself?”

“Your jealousy is showing, Yeonjun. Just admit that you wish you were me and go.”

“You’re fucking delusional,” Yeonjun steps forward, nearly toe to toe with Beomgyu within two strides. “We’re _nothing_ alike. I don’t have to force people to fall in love with me-”

“I wouldn't have either if he wasn't so far up your ass.”

“You didn’t have to do any of this, fuckface-”

“You wanna know how long it took for him to finally stop talking about you?” Yeonjun hates that he does, hates that he actually waits for the response, “Six months. It took me six months to make him understand that you don’t give a single shit about him, that you haven’t cared about him since high school. I had to wait to have _my_ boyfriend for six goddamn months. You’re lucky I didn’t make him hate you.”

And that’s all it takes for Yeonjun to switch his weight onto his heels, set his fists chest level and drive his hand directly into Beomgyu’s mouth. The impact has him hissing, fist aching in every joint and ligament, but he barely has time to recover before Beomgyu’s charging in his direction. Yeonjun ducks to avoid the incoming punch and instead lands a solid jab at the younger’s ribs. 

“Hyung, s-stop!” Taehyun shouts out, catching Yeonjun off guard long enough for Beomgyu to slam him into the wall of the hallway. “Both of you, _STOP_!”

Neither of them listen and Beomgyu grits out, forearm leaning into Yeonjun’s chest with enough pressure to make his back adhere to the wall, “Soobin doesn’t want you anymore. You lost your chance. He’s mine now.”

Yeonjun takes a violently shaky breath, a disgusted expression tugging his lips downward, “Soobin doesn’t belong to you. He’s not a fucking object; he’s a person. And didn’t I tell you that you had no right to use his name?” Yeonjun gathers every bit of strength he has remaining, sore fist curling again to make one last blow. His fist lands on Beomgyu’s temple so suddenly that no one is able to catch him until it’s too late. Beomgyu’s deadweight hits the ground loudly and it’s so fucking satisfying. But then his arms are being restrained roughly behind him, and he watches Soobin collapse down by Beomgyu’s side and it feels like a knife to his heart. “Soobin-”

Taehyun blocks his view of the younger, “Are you insane?! Have you lost your mind?!”

“Taehyun, I-”

“Get him out of here.”

“No, don’t,” Yeonjun says, panicked, watching in horror as his world comes crashing down around him. "Soobin, Soobin, please look at me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the beginning of the end everyone :") if you couldn't tell, this is what takes place immediately before the first chapter. if you would like refresher on how that ended, feel free to read these two chapters in succession. also this chapter is a bit longer so I hope you didn't mind 😭 let me know your thoughts!


	10. one month later - soobin

**One Month Later**

Soobin bows his head, continuing to scribble on his notes as Beomgyu moves around his room like a tornado, “I can’t believe it, I just can’t. _Years_ of friendship, of living together and he just decides to just dip half way through our lease? Without even telling me first? What a fucking asshole!”

Beomgyu is angry. And rightfully so. 

As of three hours ago, Taehyun had broken his lease and moved into Kai’s apartment, only leaving a note to explain himself. Soobin only got to read half of it before Beomgyu had torn it into shreds, almost foaming at the mouth. He vaguely recalls it saying something about Beomgyu being a tyrant and feeling like it was just-

“ _Too much_? What does that even mean? Really?! Such bullshit,” Beomgyu slams his drawer shut, pulling a cap onto his head aggressively, “And now I have to fucking go all the way across town to this stupid leasing office to file paperwork for some weird, creep of a roommate since my own damn boyfriend can’t spare to give a single fuck about any of this.” Soobin continues to annotate his book, tears pooling at his lash line, because he _does_ care. He cares so much that his boyfriend is struggling, but he just can’t leave Yeonjun alone. He doesn’t have enough money to break his lease even if he wanted to anyways. “I hope he’s satisfied, that bastard.” 

To say that things have changed since Yeonjun’s stupid intervention would be an understatement. When Beomgyu regained consciousness later that evening, he realized that Soobin had broken his promise and had told someone (not just anyone though; no it just had to be _Yeonjun_ of all fucking people) about their relationship, about his growth, about his punishments. Beomgyu kept it together long enough to convince Kai and Taehyun to go back to sleep, playing up the role of the victim as the younger two ate right out of his hand. But then, the moment Soobin was alone, he showed Soobin what happened when he dared to speak about their relationship with other people. 

It was the worst beating to date, one that left Soobin begging and groveling for mercy on the floor of Beomgyu’s closet. The days afterwards were no better, each day ending with some type of punishment from even the most miniscule things that happened. Some days Soobin wouldn’t even speak, just to see if it really was his fault, and, without fail, Beomgyu would find something to pin on him. 

Immediately after the first beating, Beomgyu told Soobin that if he went back home, he’d turn Kai and Taehyun against him too. The thought of being further isolated had him promising that he wouldn’t go back to his apartment unless Beomgyu was with him. The impromptu move meant that Soobin no longer got to decompress away from Beomgyu after a long day. 

During this time, Soobin became oddly appreciative of his longer class days, reveling in the evenings that Taehyun came home before Beomgyu and made Soobin feel like he was normal (at least for a short while). But then Taehyun started to ask questions, too many questions, about Beomgyu, about their relationship, about Yeonjun’s outburst, about the bruises. Soobin felt cornered, trying to give vague answers that Taehyun wasn’t satisfied with, trying to shield the younger from the truth. After a week of intense questioning from Taehyun, Soobin decided to tell Beomgyu about the conversations out of fear of being punished again for speaking about their relationship.

That same evening, Beomgyu had a talk with Taehyun. It was only 30 minutes or so, but Soobin held his breath the entire time, trying to hear the whispers through the door. It seemed to have gone well; no yelling or crying was involved and Beomgyu actually gave Soobin a break that night.

But today, a mere two days after that talk, Beomgyu and Soobin came home to an apartment without a trace of Taehyun in sight. 

Beomgyu has been ranting ever since.

“This is all your fault, you know that, right?”

Silence.

“I’m speaking to you. Respond.”

“I didn’t mean to make him-”

“This is your fault. I don’t want to hear your fucking excuses.”

Soobin tries to blink his tears away enough to read his book through the blur.

“Are you two still talking?”

“No, Gyu, I haven’t heard from him-”

“You’re lying,” Soobin digs his nails into his tender, raw palm to deter himself from opening his mouth when he isn’t being told to. It takes everything in him not to break into sobs when Beomgyu stares down at him in complete disgust, “I bet you told him to leave.”

“I-I would never say something like that.”

“Are you calling me a liar?”

Soobin flinches reflexively when Beomgyu steps forward, bowing so deeply that his forehead makes contact with his book, “No, no, I’m not!”

“You want to know why I don’t believe you?” He doesn’t. “Because you said the same thing when I asked you about Yeonjun and then he texted you less than an hour later. Really, Soobin, if you’re going to lie to me at least try to use your stupid whore brain.” He stays in the same position, feeling tears drip from his eyes onto the glossy pages. “I’ll be back in a hour. Be useful for once and make dinner.” 

His footsteps fade away, but Soobin doesn’t move until the front door closes and he’s recited his ABCs twice. Once he’s calm enough, he sits up slowly, hands raising to his face to roughly wipe away his tears. He closes his book, not bothering to bookmark the page or wait for his body to stop trembling before pushing onto his feet. He needs to make sure dinner is done before the younger returns. After a quick inventory of the kitchen, Soobin realizes that the refrigerator doesn't have much to begin with and his cooking skills are already limited. 

He rushes back to the room, going directly to the top shelf of Beomgyu’s dresser in search of his phone, but comes up empty handed. He curses; Beomgyu must've thought Soobin would try to contact Taehyun. He wouldn't have. Taehyun had broken Beomgyu’s trust and there’s no way he'd have risked his own in order to speak with his friend. But it’s not like Beomgyu would believe him anyways.

His only choice left is to go to the closest restaurant and order to go. If he leaves now, he can be back long before Beomgyu and put it in a pan to keep it warm. Soobin goes to the bathroom mirror to check his appearance and quickly gets to work at making himself presentable. He applies enough concealer to mask his swollen purple under eye bags and then his cheeks to combat the redness from his crying and slight bruising. As he's blending out the thick substance, he tries not to stare too long, or else he'll start to see all the things Yeonjun talked about. All the things Beomgyu has done. All the things he's begun to hate.

He leaves the apartment in a flurry, finding the spare key that Taehyun mentioned weeks ago atop the door frame to lock it. He jogs to the closest ramen place and places an order for two togo bowls before falling into a booth to wait. His mind feels scrambled, thoughts in disarray as he tries to figure out what is going to happen to him in the coming nights. 

He decides to first cover what he knows: Taehyun is gone. That means that Soobin has no escape anymore. If Beomgyu loses his temper, then there is nothing to stop him from punishing Soobin to his liking. He can scream and cry and run all he wants; Beomgyu will undoubtedly find him and have his way. The realization makes Soobin so sick that he has to swallow a thick lump of bile down, eyes closing out of exhaustion. 

Taehyun is also his only link to Yeonjun. Beomgyu deleted all of Yeonjun’s contact information off of Soobin’s phone and proceeded to block him on all social media the day after that stupid fight. Afterward, since Soobin hadn't been allowed to go back to his apartment, Beomgyu sent Taehyun to get some clothes and his toiletries for him.

One night that week when Soobin had come home early from classes and Taehyun was the only one in the apartment, Soobin dared to ask, "... How was he?"

Taehyun glanced up from his laptop at the soft spoken question, eyebrows furrowing, "Yeonjun hyung?"

"... Mhm." The name was almost enough to make Soobin burst into tears. "How is he?"

"He's fine, I guess. He kept trying to stop me and talk, but I told him that I didn't want to hear it." Soobin nodded, the motion continuing for a few moments as he tried to forget the way the older cried his name. It continued to echo in his head despite the resistance. "... I wasn't going to say anything about this because Beomgyu said it was a bad idea, but hyung... Hyung wanted me to give you this."

Soobin watched Taehyun get up from the kitchen table and disappear into his bedroom. When he returned, he handed Soobin a slightly crumpled paper towel with the phrase ' _I'll be here when you're ready_ ' hastily written across it. Above it were other sentences that were scratched out and illegible.

"He said you would understand what it meant," Taehyun said after a long period of silence passes with Soobin just staring at the paper towel.

He did. That was the problem. He knew exactly what Yeonjun meant, how much more he wanted to say in the way that his handwriting is rushed and desperate, struggling to make a singular thought. Soobin cleared his throat and began to fold the paper towel into a neat square, "Yeah... Thank you for keeping this. I won't tell Beomgyu about it." Taehyun doesn't seem to like that response, Soobin could tell by the way his lips pressed into a line. He disappeared into Beomgyu’s room before any other conversation could form.

The memory leaves a sour taste in his mouth, a reminder of how much he's lost. He attempts to think about other things, like his homework and upcoming finals, but Taehyun’s goodbye letter slips in front of them all.

_Too much?_

Although everything about Beomgyu is explosive from his temper to his determination to his flirty advances, Soobin isn't sure he would use the same phrase to describe him. It doesn't quite capture all the intricacies of Beomgyu’s actions and words, entirely too vague to fit all that Beomgyu does inside. 

Maybe it's not Beomgyu who is too much; maybe Soobin is too little. As kids, Soobin was the easiest target for bullies and assholes, too quiet and polite to express any opposing thoughts or opinions, too afraid of violence to stand up for himself. Yeonjun hated it; he was constantly trying to teach Soobin that it was okay to speak up when he was being wronged, when someone was out of line. He took on the role of being Soobin’s backbone, snapping at people who used him for their own advances and fighting people whenever necessary to keep Soobin safe. Soobin supposes that it's still a habit of the older to this day, a promise made when they were too young to know how heavy it actually was.

In the midst of all this reflection, Soobin registers that this is the first relationship, the first decision he's made without consulting the elder, the first step he thought he made to growth and progress. He could laugh at how horribly this all turned out.

The one time he wanted to be an adult Soobin chose a path, a person, a future that wasn't meant for him. He let his emotions get the best of him, let his own insecurities push him into a relationship he didn't even want. And once it started to get out of hand, he felt like he had to suffer the consequences. He was too afraid to admit that he needed help, that Yeonjun had been right to worry about him, that he never even stood a chance with his flimsy barricades on a heart that wasn't his to give.

The only conclusion he can make after all of this time is that he is a lost cause.

And yet, Yeonjun is still here.

_You didn’t make him do anything._

It's hard to believe the statement when everything that happens in his relationship revolves around what Soobin did to cause his own demise. But Yeonjun would say that if Beomgyu loves him, then he would trust him to do things on his own. Soobin remembers the night a few years back, after he got his heart broken the first time, how Yeonjun held him and whispered about how love is in the way that you care for someone, even when you're tired, even when you're arguing, even when you don’t share their pain. Yeonjun says love is where you know you can come back, no matter how many mistakes you make, no matter how long it’s been.

"Order 123," the worker who took his order calls out his ticket number.

Love isn't pain.

Love isn't inferiority.

Love isn't hopelessness.

"Order 123!" 

Love isn't a single person.

Love isn't isolation.

Love isn't what he is feeling.

“Two beef ramen bowls for order 123!”

The third call for his food has Soobin rushing to the counter, bowing apologetically to the kind worker. He leaves the restaurant, bag in hand, and stares at Beomgyu’s apartment building for a long while. His heart feels like it’s too big for his chest, ramming into his ribcage, as he turns the opposite direction and begins to walk down the sidewalk. He watches as a couple crosses the street, fingers intertwined, the boy smiling wide as his girlfriend points at a cloud in the sky. Soobin can’t remember a single time that Beomgyu’s looked at him like that, like he hung the moon and stars, like he _loved_ him. The all too familiar sense of danger and panic swirl around him, reminding him that he is losing precious time to be prepared for Beomgyu’s return. But his legs refuse to listen, heading somewhere unknown to Soobin, and it feels like every person he sees has a lover next to them. He watches a girl rise to her tippy toes to peck her boyfriend’s lips and the boyfriend responds by sweeping her off her feet. Her giggle seems to echo off the buildings around them and it takes everything inside of Soobin to keep from bursting into tears at the sight.

He turns into the building to his immediate right on instinct, and it isn’t until he reaches the stairwell that the tingle of anxiety starts to turn into a rumble. He climbs the stairs of the apartment building slowly, body feeling heavy and overwhelmed with each step upwards. He thinks about each time that Beomgyu has held him, each kiss he’s received, each praise he’s earned. He thinks about how he’s bent backwards to form his world around someone who barely accommodates him. He thinks about every night he’s slept on the floor because of his own incompetence. He thinks of the times he’s cried, how long they last, how much he’s given up, how little he’s gotten in return. He thinks and thinks and thinks so much that he’s knocking on the door before he even has time to process his actions.

The door is slung open and there he is, black mop of hair tangled and askew, looking like he hasn’t slept in days, maybe even weeks. His eyes are glistening as they survey Soobin with so much care that the younger literally races into his arms. And it feels so right when he slots into Yeonjun’s strong arms. They envelope him easily, the warmth and safety of them seeming to destroy the dam Soobin had built. The tears begin to flow before he can get a word out. He cries and cries and cries, arms tightening around Yeonjun’s neck, face buried into his shoulder as the older man repeatedly whispers, “I’ve got you. You’re safe now. I’ve got you, I’ve got you.You’re home.” Soobin shudders at the statement, unraveling in the grasp of the one person who has always been home. The relief he feels is euphoric, unshackling, and only serves to power on his sobs, even as Yeonjun guides them into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind them. Even as he backs into the living room and lowers them onto the couch, the older man doesn't complain about how heavy Soobin is or how ugly he cries or how he’s ruining his makeup. He just holds him tight, fingers raking through his hair in soothing motions, mumbling kind words.

Soobin isn’t sure how long he cries, but by the time he’s given himself the worst headache of all time, the sun has gone down and the takeout bag still clutched in his fist is cold. The realization has Soobin rolling into action and Yeonjun reluctantly loosens his grip to allow Soobin to pull away, blinking blearily at the mess of smudged concealer, tears and other fluids staining the older’s sweatshirt, “I’m sorry-”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Yeonjun says sternly, but the phrase is dripping with warmth and love, “Thank you for coming to me.” Soobin is sure he looks like a wreck, but the way Yeonjun stares at him makes him feel like he’s on top of the world. “I...” Yeonjun seems to contemplate his words in that moment before settling on, “I missed you, Bin-ah.”

He whispers back quietly after a long stretch of silence, “I missed you too, hyung.” He slips back into Yeonjun’s arms, burying his face into his neck and inhaling the smell of cheap cologne and Irish Spring soap that is so familiar. “Thank you for waiting for me.” Yeonjun doesn’t reply, but the way he grips Soobin closer to him lets Soobin know everything he needs to. They sit in this position for a long while, nothing but their breaths and the hum of the air conditioning filling the space. Until, “What if he comes here?”

“I’ll call the police.”

“What if he-”

“He won’t.” A shift to draw Soobin closer.

“What if he-”

“I won’t let him.” A gentle squeeze on his waist.

“What if-”

"Bin-ah-"

"He's gonna-"

"Bin-"

"I don't want him to-"

“Soobin.” A firm calling of his name. 

“What?” Soobin groans in frustration.

Yeonjun presses his lips to the crown of Soobin's head, uttering softly, “You’re safe with me.”

Soobin crumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many of you have told me how much you've enjoyed the angsty suffering of this book :") it makes me beyond happy bc I LIVE FOR THE ANGST. we're almost to the end! share your thoughts down below! <33


	11. six months later - yeonjun

**Six Months Later**

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!” Soobin, Kai and Taehyun all clap loudly with wide grins stretching their cheeks so much that Yeonjun wonders if they ache. “Happy birthday dear Yeonjunie hyung! Happy birthday to you!”

Soobin lifts his phone camera higher, further blinding Yeonjun, “Make a wish!” Yeonjun looks down at the glowing 21. “Hurry before the wax starts dripping on the cake!” He closes his eyes, wishing for the same thing he’s been hoping for the past six months, then blows out his candles. Kai screeches as Taehyun pops a noise maker and Soobin lunges forward to scoop a dollop of icing onto his fingers. Yeonjun can’t even lean out of the way before the icing is smeared onto his nose with a triumphant shout. Soobin stops recording and lowers his phone into his lap with a satisfied smirk, “Happy birthday, hyung.”

Yeonjun finds himself with a small smile, trying to keep a straight face, “Thanks, Bin-ah.” Then he surges forward, wrapping his arms loosely around Soobin and nuzzling his frosting covered nose against the younger’s cheek. “Oops, my bad,” he giggles as he pulls back to enjoy Soobin’s new streak of navy blue buttercream icing.

Yeonjun expects the younger to play up their usual antics, but Soobin’s big eyes glimmer with mischief and happiness that he hasn’t seen since... since... well, since they left the police station all those months ago. “Yeah... Your bad,” Soobin echoes and for a moment Yeonjun forgets they aren’t alone, his gaze swooping to Soobin’s cupid bow like a magnet. “You’re officially an old man now.”

“Does that mean I won’t have to carry you to bed anymore?”

At their new place, Soobin falls asleep everywhere except his bed, which means most nights require Yeonjun to carry him to his bedroom. It wasn’t much of a surprise when they decided to move, especially considering the circumstances. They chose to go further out from campus to find an apartment that had 24/7 security (“So that I make sure I can keep you safe,” Yeonjun quietly explained as he wrote down another apartment name for them to check out). It took about five tours and one bribing bowl of ice cream before they found the perfect place: a one bedroom studio with a loft since Soobin no longer felt safe sleeping in a fully enclosed space. With a bit of convincing, Soobin also quit his job working at the school cafe (Yeonjun was certain that  ~~_he_~~ would come around again after his measly six month sentence), switching to a nice little cafe down the street from their new home. Yeonjun helped Soobin learn new routes around Seoul to reduce the chance of running into  ~~_him_ ~~ . But the change of place didn’t magically erase memories; more often than not, Yeonjun has terrible nightmares that make him sweat buckets in his sheets and wake up feeling like a weight is pressing into his chest. On the harder days, Soobin has debilitating panic attacks that leave him sobbing for mercy. But each night gives into a new day and the pain comes and goes in waves and, this time, they have each other at the end of it all to keep from falling apart.

“Whoa, whoa,” Soobin dramatically lifts his hands for emphasis, “I said old. Not frail.”

Yeonjun cackles with a nod, grabbing a napkin to wipe away the rest of the icing on his face, “Of course.”

“Present time!” Kai announces, pushing up out of his chair and racing across the apartment to the kitchen. Yeonjun opens his mouth to protest, but Kai is already running back to him, arms holding three bags. “Mine first!”

“I told you guys that I didn’t want anything,” Yeonjun watches the youngest place down his armful with a pout.

Taehyun insists from across the table, “Well, we wanted to get you something anyways.”

“Besides, we all agreed to only spend what we could afford,” Soobin adds.

Kai pushes what must be his present forward first, eagerly bouncing from foot to foot in anticipation. Yeonjun removes the tissue paper before digging into the sack, nearly flinching when his fingers brush across something fluffy. He grabs a hold on the object, pulling out a plushie fox, “Awe, it’s cuteeeee!”

“I got it because it looks like you!”

“What?” Yeonjun blinks down at the red fox in his hands, fluffing the tail. “It what?”

“Doesn’t it look like him?” Kai eagerly asks his friends. “Hold it up, hyung!”

When Yeonjun lifts the plushie to face level, Taehyun breaks into an open mouth smile, nodding, “Ohmygod, it really does. Soobin hyung, what do you-"

“Aht, aht, nope, don’t wanna hear it,” Yeonjun quickly places the plushie down onto the table, biting back a grin as Soobin disintegrates into laughter. “Thank you, Kai. It’s really cute so I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Of course you will,” Taehyun snickers. “Now open mine. It’s the red one.”

Yeonjun pulls the red sack closer, peeking inside once he’s taken out the tissue paper, “Is this... is this-”

“So you can finally stop begging me to play on mine,” Taehyun says dismissively as Yeonjun shimmies the Nintendo Switch out of the bag. 

“What the actual fuck?” Soobin exclaims, eyes going wide as saucers. “Are you serious?!”

Kai exhales a sigh of relief, “Thank God I went first.” 

“You knew about this and didn’t tell me?!”

“Don’t be mad at me! He’s the one who bought it!”

Taehyun shrugs, lips raising at the corners, “Not my fault I know how to give good gifts.”

“It actually is!”

Yeonjun interrupts their bickering excitedly, “Taehyun, holy shit, you’re incredible! I’m- wow, I’m so happy. I did not expect this at all. Thank you!”

“Show off,” Kai mutters under his breath and Taehyun instantly pulls him into a chokehold. “Just kidding! You’re so cool! So, so cool!”

“Oh, yeah? What else?”

“Um, uhm, uhhhhh-”

“Well, it’s not a Switch,” as the two youngest start to play wrestle on their side of the table, Soobin pulls the last sack closer to Yeonjun with a sheepish smile, “But I hope you’ll still like it.”

Yeonjun suddenly finds it very important for Soobin to know, “I’ll like it even if it’s only because you bought it.” 

“ _Hyung_ ,” Soobin whines, avoiding his gaze. “Don’t say stuff like that. I want you to genuinely like it!”

“I do.”

“You don’t even know what it is,” Soobin buries his face into his palms, further smearing the icing on his cheek, and Yeonjun can’t hide his grin. 

“Still like it.”

“Just open it already!” 

Deciding to let the younger regain his composure, Yeonjun sets the clump of tissue paper aside then dives back into the bag. His fingers come in contact with some type of soft fabric that he holds tightly as he pulls it out of the package. 

"Uhm... I realized that you didn't have a thick winter jacket," Soobin quietly explains, fingers splitting to let him peek at the older. "So I got you one. I know it isn't completely your style, but-"

"I like it." It's a standard blue jean jacket, but the lining is a warm, cream colored sherpa material that's soft to the touch. It seems oversized, which means it’ll fit baggier on his frame, a look that he’s realized Soobin likes on him. "It's so nice," Yeonjun breathes while running his fingers all over the fabric. "It must've cost a fortune."

"Doesn't matter when it comes to you."

Even all these years later, Soobin hasn't stopped saying things that make Yeonjun’s heart skip several beats. He stalls to make sure he has control of his mouth, folding the jacket back down, "I really appreciate it, Bin. I'm gonna wear it until it falls apart."

“Only wear it if you actually like it though.”

“I will, I promise.”

A loud series of coughs snaps the two men back into reality where Kai and Taehyun stare at the cake pointedly. “Wow, it would be nice to eat something sweet, wouldn’t it, Hyuka?” Taehyun gestures towards the cake. 

“It would! Especially if it was a vanilla ice cream cake that is literally melting as we speak.”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes at their performance, unable to wipe his smile off, “Yeah, yeah, I get it.” He takes in his ‘Y’ shaped cake one last time before he starts to cut the base into four pieces, “I still can’t believe y’all got it the same color as my hair.”

Yeonjun has dyed his hair black for most of his life; he just preferred the contrast more than his usual mousy brown and found it to be the easiest color to maintain. However, when he went to the store to purchase hair dye for last month's touch up, Soobin had been glaring particularly hard at the array of dyes. On a sudden whim, Yeonjun asked Soobin what color he should dye his hair and Soobin was all big, doe eyes and bright smiles as he grabbed the most electric blue off the shelf. It was an adventure (Yeonjun didn’t realize that black would be really hard to get out; his poor hair went through three consecutive bleaches), but in the end he ended up really liking the change. 

This month, a few days earlier in fact, Soobin had decided that he wanted to try something different with his own dark brown strands as well. Yeonjun chose a dusty lavender after using a photo editing app to try all the colors that interested him and helped Soobin dye his hair for the first time. Even as he transfers cake onto everyone’s plates, he can clearly hear past Soobin scolding him, “Hyung! I told you to wear gloves! Now your hands are gonna be purple for days!” He didn’t bother telling Soobin that it made him happy to know that a part of him would be that close for so long. Some splotches still stain his palms today and his smile grows at the realization.

“Eat up,” Yeonjun picks up his own fork to dig in until he notices Soobin’s fingers drumming at the edges of his plate. “Everything okay?”

“... Y-yeah! I just,” the younger doesn’t look up, a nervous habit of avoiding eye contact in action. “... Um, I don’t really like cake... Anymore.”

“Oh,” Yeonjun blinks in surprise, having never thought there would be a day that Soobin would willingly deny sweets. “That’s okay. You can just put the slice back into the box. I’m pretty sure we can finish it off with just us three anyways.”

For Yeonjun, the past few months have felt more like playing a game of catch up rather than actually living. Every single day feels like he’s learning something new about his best friend.

Sometimes it’s an overwhelming, hollow feeling that accompanies these newly learned traits or habits. Other times it’s hot as an iron, threatening to burn Yeonjun if he dwells too much on what was lost. 

“I’m sorry,” Soobin whispers beneath his breath. “I just don’t want to waste it.”

Yeonjun shakes his head sternly, “No reason for you to apologize. You can have food preferences that are different from other people, Bin-ah.”

“... Right,” Soobin transfers the slice of cake back into the box while nodding repeatedly. “Right. Um, okay.” 

Yeonjun only starts to eat when Soobin grabs some fruit from the kitchen to munch on. Soobin is gradually getting back to his weight prior to ~~_him_~~ with the help of home cooked lunches and dinners, but it’s been a bit of a struggle. There are so many foods that Soobin once loved for Yeonjun to make that now make the younger sick. His portion sizes are even smaller than they were previously and he eats at the speed of light, as if he’s afraid someone will swoop in and steal it all before he can finish it. It’s yet another way that ~~_he_~~ continues to show up in their daily lives. There are a few nights where Soobin wakes up and starts to scream, pounding against Yeonjun’s chest until the older lets him go. Yeonjun will roll out of bed to give Soobin the space he requests, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and cursing that son of bitch with all the anger he can muster at 2 am in the morning. It usually takes about five minutes for the younger to calm down enough to remember where he is, to remember who was holding him, to remember to breathe. And then he collapses into the sheets, sobbing broken ‘sorry’s that cut Yeonjun’s heart into intricate patterns as he gathers Soobin back into his hold. Those nights are the ones that hurt the worst.

“Thanks for coming,” Yeonjun calls out to his dongsaengs, stretched out onto the couch, rubbing his stomach in satisfaction. “You guys really made my 21st a special day.”

“It was the least we could do,” Kai smiles, balancing two large containers of cake in one hand while the other grips Taehyun’s shyly behind his back. “We’ll be back soon.”

“Love you! Get home safe!” Yeonjun yells once they’ve walked into the doorway and they return the sentiment. The moment Soobin steps foot back into the living room, he belly flops onto the couch, clearly winded. This surprise birthday party was his idea after all, which meant he’d been working non stop this entire week to make sure everything had gone well. The thought makes Yeonjun’s heart swell too big for his chest and he finds himself crawling over to the younger. “Massage?”

Soobin turns his head so that his cheek is smushed into the cushion, “It’s your birthday, hyung. I should be the one offering _you_ a massage.”

“Yes or no?”

“Yes, please.”

Yeonjun chuckles softly, moving to straddle on the backs of Soobin’s thighs and starting to roll his knuckles in patterns down Soobin’s back. Some time passes and Soobin starts to hum the theme of a new anime they started last week. “You down to finish season one tonight?”

The younger nods eagerly, “Yes! I’ve been dying to know if Zenitsu actually does something other than whine like a baby.”

“Hey, put some respect on his name! He passed the test just like-”

“He got lucky!” 

“Okay, but, like, he actually trained! Nezuko literally woke up from a bamboo stick induced coma and could suddenly kick ass? Questionable if you ask me.”

“You’re just mad because you took karate all through high school and only got your yellow belt.”

Yeonjun gasps dramatically, biting down on his bottom lip to hide a smile as he leans down to apply an elbow to Soobin’s upper back, “You take that back!”

“Nope,” Soobin giggles happily, a teasing lilt to his voice.

“I’ll show you what a yellow belt can do!”

“I’d like to see you try,” Soobin challenges him and this time Yeonjun lets all his teeth show, nose scrunching. “Now don’t forget my lower back.”

Things are different. There are words that trigger consequences that neither of them can prepare for and fights that happen without much of a reason. There are days where Yeonjun feels like locking himself away. There are days where Soobin wants to disappear. There are nights where the last thing they want to do is talk. They’ll probably never go back to how they were before. 

But Yeonjun has learned that love has a crazy way of nestling into each and every crevice it can find. He can be so frustrated and fed up, but then Soobin’s pink nose and trembling smile make him realize that he can never truly be done. 

“Hyung,” Soobin says softly into the air, head buried in the juncture of skin between Yeonjun’s neck and collarbone.

Yeonjun hums, fingers drumming against Soobin’s side, “Hm?”

“Why did you run away from me?”

His fingers stop, “What?”

“All those months ago... At Rainbow Road, why did you run away from me?”

“...”

“I-I... It’s the only question I still have,” Soobin curls tighter against Yeonjun’s chest, as if he’s scared of being pushed away, “But you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

Yeonjun lets some time pass, waits until Soobin relaxes, until he catches his breath, “I was scared.”

“Of?”

“... Losing myself.” Soobin stays quiet, like he knows Yeonjun is still processing the question despite having answered. “I was scared because I didn’t know who I was anymore...”

The younger shifts slightly, lifting his head to meet Yeonjun’s sharp gaze, “... Are you still scared?”

Yeonjun weighs the question, absorbs it, truly thinks about it then shakes his head, “No... Not anymore.”

“... Good,” Soobin replies simply. “Do you know yourself now?”

“I think so.”

“... I was scared too.”

Yeonjun’s breath hitches, “You were?” 

“Yeah.”

“Of?”

“Losing you,” 

“Oh,” Yeonjun manages to utter.

“I still am.”

“Bin-ah, you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Not anymore,” a ghost of a smile pulls Soobin’s lips taunt. “I’m glad you know yourself.”

Soobin’s doe eyes shine with a glint Yeonjun hasn’t seen in months, maybe years, and it makes something warm smoulder inside of him, “Me too.” Satisfied, Soobin retracts back to his original position, hair ticking Yeonjun’s jawline as he gets comfortable again. But Yeonjun isn’t done, “I won’t do it again.”

“Huh?”

“I won’t run away,” Yeonjun’s heart feels like it might break free from his ribcage. “I’m tired of running.”

There’s a long stretch of silence that is broken by the shaky breath of the younger. “Can you wait a little longer?” Soobin asks, so quiet that the hum of the air conditioner would have stolen it if Yeonjun hadn't been waiting to listen. “I’m... I’m still learning myself.”

“Take all the time you need,” Yeonjun tries to calm his heart, starts to swirl his fingers in a slow circle in the hair at the base of Soobin’s neck.

“... I love you, hyung.”

Yeonjun squeezes his waist with his other hand gently as he responds, “I love you too, Bin.”

They’ve said the words in the past, but that was before knowing what they know now. The words are heavy, saturated with so many memories and moments that it’s a relief to finally say them aloud. They capture all the things that they wish they could say, all the things that they feel and all the actions they’ve done until this very moment. They hold a promise that one day something will come of them, that their tangled hearts may be knotted beyond recognition.

And they are okay with that for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been editing and re-editing this chapter for the past 438865 days and finally another story has come to an end! thank you so much for taking a chance on this work! when I first wrote it, I was so afraid that no one would like it, but you all showed so much unexpected love and support 😭🥺 like 3 BILLION READS!?! it's insane and I am so grateful for every single comment! twt dms with y'alls reactions literally have made these crappy summer classes more bearable so thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!
> 
> if you need dystopian (maximum) angst yeonbin (Tokyo Ghoul inspired), check out [new rules!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366105/chapters/61505308)  
> if you need more yeonbin fluff, check out [north face!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24111529/chapters/58043791)  
> if you want sporty yeonbin angst (haikyuu inspired!!), check out [take a lap, loser!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21879484/chapters/52223143)  
> the best way to be up to date of when/if I post is to keep up with my [twt](https://twitter.com/honeysugaboy)!!


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